Not Enough In Me in Days of My Destiny

I just can't give as much of me as is needed lately. I'm kind of in my own zone, a bit of a zombie, really needing this time, this space inside myself. I sang some of my songs yesterday, from ten years ago. One was written for my baby sister, who was 4 at the time. I burst out crying in the middle of the song, because I've not been around her life much. Not as much as I was for the others. And when we came up with our 4YP, that was the one thing that hit me - that I won't be around for any of her high school years. So yesterday while singing that song, this knowledge was just there, in my face and I couldn't do it. Then I had another two moments in my day that just made me cry about home. I miss home. I can't give what is needed of me, PLUS I miss home. It's not BECAUSE I miss home, but missing home doesn't help. Plus, L talks just WAY too much lately, like ALL the time. I've asked her to just shut.up a few times. It upsets her, and I know it's bad but I just.can't. Next year will be good, having the one (maybe 2) days a week for ME. I have no idea what I'll do and I know I'll be a wreck coming closer to the time, but seriously, everybody is ready for it. I had a very sexy and interesting dream about my man last night. I also think next year will be awesome, having him around the house during the days on certain weeks. We'll sure be having more fun in the bedroom department for once!

I just don't feel like I can do the Kid Thing anymore. I'm glad my children are growing up and I'm DONE having any more. I have always loved kids deeply, especially young children. I love how innocent they are and how, if you allow them the space they need to speak their voices, you get to hear all the cute things they say, and also, you gain wonderful insight into their lives and their views and opinions. But honestly, since having children, it's like..... I can barely give enough to my own children to truly appreciate other children anymore.

The other week we went to the park. It's recently had a bit of a refurbishment, with extra play equipment added. It's great for the kids - if you go there during school hours. After school hours, all the older kids come and hang out there. It's not a problem, except that they bring to the public eye what is going on in their homes - and this is a sad, sad situation. For example, just as we rocked up, there was a 6 or 7-year-old there, shouting out at the older ones (they were probably around 13), "Fuck you, cunt!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. They were just laughing in his face. Next, one of the older ones went up to him, grabbed him and started smacking him around the head, saying one word with each blow: "Don't. You. Fuckn. Say. That. Fuckn. Word. Again. You. Little. Fuckn. Cunt!!!!!!"

Yep. That's what we saw happen. We were walking right past this, and my husband said, "Hey! There's little kids here, that's enough." So they stopped. But then the shenanigans continued, this time the older one chasing the younger one DOWN THE ROAD, calling out to him that he's going to get it at home. I ran after them by this point, all the while imagining that I might approach a situation like this the way my older brother would - calm, collected, wise but with respect and authority.

Me: Hey! Stop! This kid's like half your size, what are you thinking??? Him: He's being naughty! Me: Yeah so? It doesn't make it right! Him: Well he's my little brother, so stay out of it and piss off. Me: No, no, no, see, I grew up with violence in the home too. It doesn't make it right!!!!! Him: [silence, taking it in] Me: I have had anger issues with my OWN children! Him: So??? Me: So? It's not right! WE'RE the big ones, here. It's OUR job to do the right thing!

At this, the younger kid ran off (the older kid had been carrying him but he got free and ran), so the older one chased him again, back to the park, where all the other teens were standing around, amused. AMUSED that this kid was gonna get it. I walked passed one kid who was standing there LAUGHING. I said, "Don't laugh!"

Him: What? I'm not even laughing at that! [the situation - that he clearly WAS laughing at] Me: Yes you are, you're standing there, LOOKING at what's going on and you're LAUGHING! Him: So fuckn what?! I can laugh at whatever the fuck I want!

So I repeated the dialogue I had with the other older brother earlier on. But they just stood there and laughed at me. I felt ... disgusted at this. Then the older brother went to this other laughing kid while I was talking and started to CLEARLY whisper about me and laugh. So I shouted, "Shut up!" and they're like, 'What?" I shouted, "Just shut the FUCK up!" At this, my husband came to me and said, "Let's go home."

I felt ashamed that I treated those children that way. They are all suffering WHO KNOWS WHAT in their homes - things they know of as NORMAL, and they're all going to grow up and either happily repeat their histories, or be so fucked up about it and HOPEFULLY work through it all. And I felt HORRIBLE that I had set a stupid, horrible example, even though I'd been trying to HELP. Instead of RESPONDING, I REACTED to the situation, and in doing so, I knew I'd lost all authority. I even wanted to call the school the next day and apologise to these students in their classroom (while still respecting everyone's anonymity I mean. I was going to stand at the front of the class, explain in general what had happened and apologise for my part.) But my husband said that honestly, these kids aren't going to care about the fact that I swore at them, it's no big deal to them and besides, it's better to just LEAVE the situation well and truly alone rather than to keep on building on it. And BESIDES, apologising probably would not help my future job as a teacher aide. (Yeah I know, right.)

I just felt so so stupid. I'd wanted to help, and in my head, I was going to help in a proactive way. I imagined myself stepping in the way I've seen my brother step in. But instead, I did so the way my father would. It's something that I can only laugh about when my husband does (because when he does, then I can see the funny side to it), but truly, I am ashamed. It had me wandering if I should even be a teacher aide. I said to L that if I WAS already a teacher aide, in that exact same situation, I would've had NO RIGHT whatsoever to treat my students/children that way. But I did. And what, because I'm not a teacher aide it makes it okay??? Hell no!!!!!!

I decided to be forgiving and tell myself that in any case, I am at the beginning of a journey with kids and therefore I have a lot to learn. (Specifically in how to deal with a situation like that!)

ANYWAY.... my point is... that... perhaps because I'm constantly giving, giving, giving to my own children and barely coping in THAT department of late..... then I no longer have it in me to care about any other child in the way I might have once.

My 3 year old tells me something and if I don't respond straight away, she'll repeat it 4 more times in a row. Today I responded, "Shut up! I don't care!"

What the hell, you know.

Do I need a break? Hell yes. I need a month-long break.

How do parents of mentally challenged people do it? How do parents who are 24/7 carers of their children do it? How do they give and give and give and give and give and give and GIVE? I bet they don't whinge half as much as I do. Someone who has 100% healthy children.

Anyhow....... we move on, don't we. But I need to work on this. Because I might just be spiralling hard soon if I don't. And I'll end up talking to a phone counsellor AGAIN, just like I did this time last year.