Christmas Spirit/Christmas Eve Video in 2014

So much has happened since I last wrote. Scott has been home a lot using PTO that was going to expire, so I have been distracted. My stress levels have remained incredibly high. Sleep is not coming easy, and my attitude has been poor. I try really hard to keep a good face for my kids. Especially because Christmas was coming upon us, by now that Christmas is over, I just don’t care.

Last weekend we did a lot with the kids. We checked out the outdoor mall finally, and went to Six Flags to experience their Christmas Celebrations with their Holiday in the Park theme. I’m glad we went and did that before Christmas was over. It was pretty crowded, and we didn’t do a whole lot of rides, but all of the Christmas lights were very pretty. I feel like I should have more to say about it, but I just really can’t remember. We put out three videos last weekend because we had so much footage, and yet I am drawing a blank.

This week has been very hard. I have felt guilt inside of me rising up. I have been very sad with the overwhelming evidence of being alone. And Scott’s Uncle in California passed away on Tuesday. It’s very hard to be a comfort to my husband, when I am feeling so lousy.

We made a ton of cookies on Christmas Eve in an attempt to start new traditions and to fill the void in my heart. We took Scott’s mom with us to Church and we were very late. In fact, our church was packed. So we helped pull seats out to create more rows so we would have somewhere to sit, and so would everyone else who was straggling in. Somehow I lost my seat, and Ian wasn’t really in the mood to sit in the very back of church and not see what was going on. So I decided to stay out in the lobby with him and let him play with toys in the nursery. I noticed the church staff running around a little stressed, and so I asked how I could help. I figured if the night couldn’t go the way I wanted it to, I would serve and make it more enjoyable for others. It helped. On the way home, we came across a girl who had ran out of gas, and no one willing to help. Scott helped to push her off the road, while I went and got some gas to put in the car. It was stressful, and added on an hour to our night, but we were able to bless someone, and I was glad we did it.

We were up too late wrapping presents, but I had set my alarm to get up at 7 so I could turn off my crock pot that I had on making our breakfast casserole. The kids didn’t wake up until an hour after, and I just laid in bed, chanting my mantra to “choose joy” over and over agin to myself. Once the kids woke up, and opened presents, I was distracted by the happiness on their faces with every gift they opened. It felt really good to hear them express that they got things they really wanted.

After breakfast I pouted by myself in the bath tub, thinking of my family that I was without another holiday. I forced myself to get the kids and me and dressed, all while chanting “choose joy” while listening to Scott get stressed out about the kids making a mess with their new toys. It didn’t help. Here I was feeling guilty about the money that should not have been spent, that he would not let me undo, and he was irritated. But I still chose joy, smiled, and helped him smile as well. Dinner was good at his dads, the kids were happy, but Scott was miserable, which just elevated my somber mood. He was having a bad allergy day, and was short and rude to me more than once. We let the kids ride their new gifts back to our apartment, but as soon as we got in the house, he was in a bath and then in bed.

I cleaned up the living room and put all the toys back around the tree. This is something that Scott likes to do, so I put up with it year after year, but I really think was opened, all gifts should go where they need to. In the process I whacked one of my ribs on the corner of our entertainment center. Pretty sure it’s bruised. Hurts worse today.

I laid out pillows and blankets on the floor, and watched the kids new movies with them that they got. As a kid, I always wanted to camp out on the floor by the Christmas tree, and so opting to choose joy once again, I decided to make another memory with my kids. Scott woke up at about 8:45, after Ian had fallen asleep, and made Slurpee’s with Salem’s slurpee machine for her. I fell asleep at some point, and around midnight Scott put us all to bed.

Today, I am sore and sad and really would welcome a nice distraction. Instead, Scott left to go hang out at the bar his dad frequents to spend some time with him, and has not returned. It’s been almost 6 hours. His dad hasn’t been there for a really long time. When I sent Scott a message to ask what he was doing at hour 4, his response was smiling and having fun. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be an insult, but I took it that way. I guess he cant do that with me and the kids. I don’t want to pretend that I am not irritated, because I am. But showing my frustration will only make a long weekend, even longer.

I woke up at 4 this morning to Ian asking for water. I got up to get him some, and cried in bed until I fell back to sleep. I hate that stress and longing for family has been in competition with happiness over this Christmas. Today I saw on Facebook that Justin and Destiny are at Disneyland with some of their family, and with our friends Brian and Andrea. It physically hurt me to see it. Tears again. I know I am not supposed to be jealous that others get to go home to see their family, or go to Disneyland, but at this point, I just can’t help it out.

If you are interested, here is our Christmas Eve video.