Entry 15-01.01.02 in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

ENTRY TABLE OF CONTENTS

(a) Greeting
(b) New Year’s Eve party
(c) New Year’s Eve Party Fallout
(d) No, I didn’t jog like I should have
(e) Getting further behind because OF COURSE I AM
(f) Confession

Greeting

I hope everyone had a fun and safe night… and that, if you didn’t, at the very least it was peaceful.

Entry

I spent the early evening hours studying Contract Law, playing some video games, and (after the wife came home from worked) dragged the both of us to a party being thrown by a friend from law school.
Or at least… that was the plan. Here’s what actually happened:

My wife was to work a short shift; 5 pm to 9:30 pm. At around 9, I got gas in my car and alcohol for the party… law school people tend to suggest BYOB because providing alcohol for everyone gets expensive… I know from experience. I was getting kind of jazzed about the party; so I took a shower and changed into my Joker Suit (black suit, purple shirt, green tie) and cut a quick IPod playlist to set the party mood. My wife got home a little after ten, and wanted to change. K, cool, no worries, all good. First thing she tried on, she hated. Okay. Second thing… I said she looked cute. Was quickly told to shut up as the shirt was too tight. I suggested tight is sexy and she became angry because I wasn’t seeing her for the “fat cow” she was. Finally she decided on something and we left. The thirty minute drive on the interstate was fairly straightforward… it was when we tried to leave the interstate that problems arose.

I was turning right as the directions would have me do when she yelled “No, you’re supposed to go left!” About 98% of the time, when it comes to directions… she is usually right! So, against my better judgment, I turned left at the last minute… straight into lost-ville. This, of course, starts an argument. But… a scary one. I say that I shouldn’t have listened to her and just gone with what I had written down… she explodes like a volcano 30 years past due. Just screaming and shouting and bile and vitriol. Finally, I just point blank ask; WHY so angry? Her response is that when someone is angry at her, she gets angry right back. Oooookay, but (as I tried to explain to her) I was perturbed and upset that I didn’t ignore the incorrect direction; she reacted as if I had just told her I cheated on her with her mother. I prodded after it a little and she simply said, “I’m easy to anger and I have a short fuse!” NOT a good thing to hear… honestly makes me even more worried/afraid that… at least subconsciously, she is an abusive woman. Ultimately to get us unlost I told her to just put the address into her phone and GPS it to the party. She told me, and I quote, “This app leads us to the front door, but it isn’t like we can park at the front door.” I found a parking space and… there were two different apartment complexes. My wife didn’t know which one to go to. Even though she had just stated that her app told her how to get directly to the front door! So… we tried the apartment that I was and am certain was the right one… locked front door, buzzer system broken, no way to get inside. I call the host, no surprise due to loud party that he didn’t hear his phone going off on the first try… my wife is too cold and too angry to try again. Granted, it was -15… very cold… but… yeah. So instead of going to a party… I drive a cranky and angry wife back home. Once there, I try to cheer her up… we watch Cosmos (her new favorite show) and joke around… and she relaxes, gets comfortable, and goes to bed. But… I’m still forced to ask… in some ways… don’t I deserve better? Shouldn’t I be the one comforted from time to time? And why, when she legitimately makes a mistake that honestly aggravates me… am I the one trying to make amends? It’s all just… a little fucked, frankly.

Before she went to work today, my wife tried to hit the exercise facility… not surprisingly, it was packed and she couldn’t get any of the equipment. She came home and ran on “the treadmill I’m not allowed to use” instead. I had intended to jog today (it is elliptical day in the rotation) but… I slept in super late, woke up exhausted, and have had a killer sore throat all day… I honestly think I am getting sick… but if I am, it is my own damned fault. I’ve forgotten a hat and/or gloves every day this week and last night especially- that was dumb. Fingers and ears went red pretty fast due to the cold.

I had intended to hit Contracts Law pretty hard today but this sore throat is too much of a distraction. I drank some of my coffee mixture… Starbucks Sweetened Ice Coffee and my own blend of French Vanilla Milk Products… it woke me up enough to go to the living room but… blah! I printed the study guide, looked it over, and realized… there are lots of UCC topics here… which means specifically memorizing statutory language as it relates to contract formation. Like UCC 2-207. That shit is hard enough to deal with when I’m not feeling poopy!

Not surprisingly… when I am sick, I get a bit randy. So I tried to finish my night by masturbating and drinking copious amounts of alcohol by myself. The alcohol worked in that, I think I’ll be able to go back to sleep tonight and sleep through until I have to be at work tomorrow. The masturbation, so far, has been fruitless. Not because I don’t want something to happen but because… dammit, sexual expression brings up all the concerns of my marriage no matter what. I can always lie to myself… I can keep my head up and look happy and well adjusted… but I’m not. I’m angry and sad and scared and confused. My relationship is not what I wanted it to be. I thought it would be a marriage which meant cooperation and helping one another and loving one another and loving one another. And it doesn’t seem to be that way. I asked my wife to help out by writing thank you notes on her day off? She didn’t. I asked her to go ahead and pay off the loans? She didn’t. She paid the cell phone bill; but that just seems to come back around to the big deal… if she doesn’t deem it important enough; she won’t do it, won’t care about it, won’t even apologize for not doing it. But despite all of the problems in our marriage, nothing in my relationship bothers me quite as much as the near constant feeling of being unwanted. So… last night, after our fight… as she slumbered peacefully and I was getting scared that she honestly doesn’t give a shit, I wrote this:

Confession

‘Twas a long time ago
longer now than it seems
and perhaps these are things
best left to my dreams

But in the cold of the night
in the midst of the pain
there is something I miss
that is plaguing my brain

The idea of women
that made me feel wanted
That feeling I miss
and without it I’m haunted,

Yes, the truth is I’m married
and the truth is I’m bound
to a woman that may hate me
to a woman that is unsound

Oh to only feel wanted
to feel like I might
be desired by a woman
to be a pleasing sight

But perhaps that’s far greater
perhaps that’s too grand
when all that I want
is an interested hand

A woman that wants me
my body and soul
and a woman that wants me
in her vaginal hole

BTW- not like anyone is keeping track or likely to read this far.... but… before September 2014… it was almost three years, we’d had sex in November 2011 and then not again until September 2014! In September, largely because I was discussing with my wife the insanity of not having had sex since 2011, we had sex that resulted in one partner orgasming.... we tried again in early October but my wife was in no mood to “wait for climax” so… I suppose you could call that a dry run… and that has been it for our entire marriage. So, yeah.... we had sex three times after we got married, then waited three years, tried twice in two months… and then nothing since October. Hand to God if I go a full 6 months without my wife touching me… that will answer that question for me without any need of weighing the pros and cons. I may be inebriated, it may be counted by my wife as “needy and girly”… (btw- so sick of hearing her call me that… yeah, I have needs… and they aren’t being met… that doesn’t make me needy)… but I may well just ask flat out tonight or sometime this week.... Am I a bad husband? Honestly. Am I?