Funky Town and the Insecurities in Everyday Ramblings

The most difficult thing about my odd relationship with Mr. Fine China (note the past tense here, he has finally stopped “liking” the intermittent Facebook posts I put up) is that he was a master, an absolute master at both bringing out and playing on my insecurities and that would always keep me self-reflective, (which comes naturally to me) and not thinking too much about his actual less than kind behavior.

This last year reencountering him again I had an opportunity to visit all my original insecurities on top of all the natural ones of learning to be a teacher and teaching in new challenging environments.

Having insight into his psychological makeup through reading and talking to folks has helped me separate my insecurities out from what actually occurred between us, which was less than, umm, ideal.

It has given me this great sense of freedom and a boost of self-worth that I have been enjoying the heck out of.

Did you know that 95%, (Ninety Five Percent!) of folks who lose weight gain in back in a year? Not me! I am part of the elite 5% and I am very proud of this because it was effortful. I am getting ready to walk across town to a Weight Watchers meeting right now.

Feeling a sense of accomplishment about anything is unusual for me. I am always chasing some carrot on some stick. I always have a yeah but ready at hand.

Anyway, next Friday is the Admin Director at work’s last day. She is retiring at age 55 to travel with her wife (whose mother had early onset dementia) because they want to enjoy life while they can. Preparing for her last week of work she is very much in the mix. It is scary. She is trying to leave things “just so” when she goes.

She was not an experienced director or manager at this level when she took this position and is very insecure. She is not very good at it. She makes a lot of decisions that are based on personality and she is inconsistent. And my biggest pet peeve of all, she comes to meetings late. Way late. Meetings she organizes and it creates a culture where that is okay. How do you say, waste-of-time, disrespectful???

I respect and admire people who are good at what they do and try very hard to make allowances when they are not able to be. But she is in your face about it and she is very very sensitive as well as being insecure and she knows I feel this way.

And therefore am so far back in the doghouse in her sights that you wouldn’t even know I was on the premises. It was a stupid thing for me to reveal but lets see, after years and years of bizarre on the job behavior by managers and cohorts, a melanoma diagnosis for me, and a colorectal cancer diagnosis for my sister and two sick cats at home requiring constant care…

So yesterday when a meeting notice for Monday at 8:30 AM came through from her, a mandatory, in person meeting notice I, umm, freaked out.

It makes perfect sense, her parting shot I thought is to terminate my employment.

Luckily it was a quiet day and I was able to calm down a bit and look at the facts of who was required to be at the meeting, everybody in my report team except my Take No Prisoner’s boss. He seemed unusually cheerful on Wednesday when I was in. So my guess is that by mutual agreement he is leaving and they are going to shuffle the report structure around yet once more.

And if I am lucky enough to keep my job, which is still much in in question, I will be asked to report to Mr. Narcissist Disorder. He, at least I respect. He is very very good at being a Narcissist.

One good thing here though, if there is one good thing, is that I am an experienced receiver of double messages and self-centered absolute in control everything that goes wrong is your fault and everything that works well is mine and aren’t I charming??? He is susceptible to flattery. I can do that. I can even do it honestly because I tell you I can find the good in pretty much everybody.

And I intend to here as well. No matter how hard it gets.

I took this picture walking over to the studio at dusk last night. The light makes our funky old town on the river beautiful doesn’t it?

Last updated December 27, 2014