Feeling panicky. in Since OD is shutting down....

I didn’t do much today other than eat right, give my brother a ride to his car at his work, exercise and watch tv. I noticed that someone I worked with has deleted me off Facebook and it’s bothering me. I don’t know why, I don’t even talk to him or care about him as a person but I’m just always trying to figure out why I always get deleted but they keep everyone else we have as mutual friends. I hardly EVER post anything negative on there so it just makes me want to know why they do that! I know I really shouldn’t care but it all goes back to me being invisible. Oh and that guy from a few months ago that I hung out with? I’m not friends with him on there but I creep his shit and he made a status about how he just wants a pleasant female to share his life with so I sent a message saying hi and he never answered. Like, what is so wrong with me that no one will even talk to me?!

Anyways, I’ve felt really panicky today and I think it’s because of my job situation. I’m stressed because I know I’m going to work 9 hours on Christmas Eve and get no acknowledgement whatsoever. I know there won’t be anything said much less a Christmas bonus because I work for a bullshit company and it just makes me even more glad I’m hopefully gonna get a job being a home health aide. I’m just worried that I’m not going to get it and then I’m gonna go back to feeling trapped again.

All I know is something has to give. I’m so tired of working so hard for what little I’m paid and afraid I’m never going to get a job somewhere that I think would be a good fit for me. I just have to stay positive that it will happen or else I’m gonna go bat-shit crazy. I know for the most part I’m happy where I’m at but a lot of the time, I’m ready to pull my fucking hair out too. It just gets really fucking old putting up with the same bullshit every fucking day for the past 14 months. I also think it’s bullshit that I’ve been there this long without a raise and that’s what really gets me. I’ve done nothing but prove myself and for what? It’s not like they appreciate any of the hard working people that they have and then they can’t figure out why no one sticks around.

I know I’m going to end up super depressed being there all fucking day Christmas Eve just to discover there will be no bonus and the tips aren’t going to be any better than normal. I just can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep working for a company that is just greedy and all they do is worry about themselves. I know a lot of places are like that but I just feel like I have so much to give to another job where I’d actually be helping people and being happy at the same time. It just seems like lately I’ve had more bad days than good and I just get tired of always wondering what kind of day I’m going to have.

What keeps me going is knowing that I’m going to be paying off my car in the next month but even that is stressful in itself because then I have to worry about it breaking down and getting fucked over again. I just pray that will never happen again and if it does, I will be in a better financial position to make better choices. I just really hope that I don’t go through that mess again and everything will be just fine. I’m thinking of buying a second vehicle with my income tax but I also need to pay off some bills so I haven’t decided yet.

Ugh, I’m feeling really stressed and panicky today. I’m gonna be glad to go to sleep because this is awful right now. Anytime I get stressed, I start chewing the insides of my mouth so right now it’s super raw and uncomfortable. Fuck, my anxiety is kicking my ass and I don’t have anyone to talk to. God damn it. I really get tired of figuring everything out for myself. I also don’t feel comfortable telling anyone my problems anymore as I don’t want it talked about behind my back. I seriously can’t stand that shit and it makes me want to not even try to have a social outlet anymore.

Oh, I have to go take my drug test tomorrow for the home health aide thing. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll even get hired. I’m probably wasting my time but I won’t know until I do everything that is required. They emailed earlier needing my drivers license number to run my background check. I’m just going to end up really depressed if I don’t get this job because I think it would be perfect for me and I need my escape for where I’m at. I just can’t see myself doing that job much longer and if I have to, I’m probably gonna go back to smoking or popping pills just to be able to get through the day without screaming at someone and letting my anger get the best of me. I will need something to keep me numb so I don’t feel anything that will end up getting me fired or so I don’t go back to just laying in bed being miserable.

I should be getting my period anytime now and that’s probably the reason why I feel the way I do. I was okay up until a few hours ago and now I’m just wishing it was closer to bedtime so I can pass out and hope tomorrow is better. I know that being off work since Friday afternoon is contributing to my anxiety because I’ve had too much time to think.

Another thing that’s getting to me too is my rent. If they don’t adjust it, I’m gonna have to get cash from my credit card to make up the difference and that’s really gonna upset me because it’s bullshit when your paycheck isn’t enough to cover your fucking rent! She said for me to just bring in my paystubs as soon as I can and they can adjust it but they told my brother the same thing and it didn’t get adjusted so he had to spend every spare dollar he had to pay it. I am just so tired of feeling completely fucked in some way shape or motherfucking form all because I have a fucking job! It’s ridiculous how much you are supposed to pay all because your employed even when you don’t make a lot of money!!!

OMG, I’m just so frustrated and stressed out over all of this shit. My biggest issues is I’m tired of feeling trapped at my job. I honestly don’t want to work there anymore but I can’t just quit either. I have to find something else which isn’t easy because I have to find something that will work with my school schedule, something that won’t be too difficult socially, something that will pay decent, and something that will allow me enough time off for homework, sleep, and my niece. It’s not easy to just up and find another job like it is for a lot of people and I’m just hoping to God I will get offered a position being a home health aide because I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to handle where I’m at. I’m so over working for a place that just shits on their employees and all they care about is their own bank account and not understanding we can’t survive on what they pay us and that’s why most of the people I work with have a second job.

I’m also pissed that my so-called ‘friend’ told my boss about me not feeling comfortable counting money so he questioned me about it and said something about how usually if someone isn’t comfortable touching money it’s because they plan on doing something they shouldn’t and then straight up asked me looking me dead in the eye, “would you steal” um wow, not too fucking awkward! No, I would NEVER fucking steal from anyone and to even have that conversation in the first place is complete bullshit all because someone told him my concerns without having my knowledge or consent! Then when asked, she was a fucking bitch about it! I honestly don’t plan to speak to her anymore because of this. It’s bullshit that she’s always told me how I have a big mouth and then she does something like this?! Wow!

I just wish I had people I could actually confide in that could keep my private life to themselves. I just feel like I really have no one I can trust at this point of my life and it makes just want to hide. What is the point of having friends when they are just going to fuck you over somewhere down the road anyway?! I just don’t feel like I have anyone I can trust and it sucks.

My brother is like the last person to talk to as he has no compassion and is not even listening half the time but I call him awhile ago and he had to let me go because my niece was bugging him but I think it was more of an excuse to get off the phone. He never stays on the phone with me longer than he feels is necessary and it just really pisses me off that he’s that way when I’m his free babysitter once a week. I just get so tired of people being so selfish! I am just so tired of being surrounded by fucking assholes!!! It’s no wonder why I’ve become so comfortable in my own shell!

Anyways, I’ve taken my sleep aid even though it’s early. I just want to go to sleep so I can get up and get my drug test done tomorrow and then wait around to go to work and see what kind of night it ends up being. I’m not looking forward to being there but I have to make my car payment. That’s another thing. I am so fucking sick of making car payments that I could scream! It’s just ridiculous how much money I’ve had to shell out to have a car and it’s not even that nice! I’m just so annoyed that I got ripped off and I’m still fucking suffering for it!

I’m going to be massively crabby tomorrow, I just know it. I probably should go to the gym but it’s going to be cold as fuck yet again and I can’t risk getting sick. I’m just so fucking over everything!