Job email, bedtime. in Since OD is shutting down....

Anyways, so I watched my Keeping Up With the Kardashians and now I’m in my room getting ready for bed. I took my relax and sleep pill and waiting for my wine to help me get sleepy. I took a little nap earlier so I had to take something that’s going to help me fall asleep or else I will be up all night.

I got an email earlier from the home health aide place that I interviewed for on Tuesday. I wanted some time to read it and then process what it said and how I feel about it. Basically it was a formal email that was sent to everyone that was has applied. They’ve heard from everyone’s references and that even though it’s not an official job offer, we should mark our calendars for December 30th, as that’s the day for orientation and training. It’s from 10 am to 5 am so I’ll make sure my job knows that I won’t be able to be there until 5:30, should I get offered a job. It also said that an offer will be contingent upon background check and drug test. I will probably do my drug test Tuesday sometime since tomorrow is my day off and the only time you can do it is in the morning and I want to sleep in.

I can’t help but be excited as this job would look great on a resume and applies to the degree I’m pursuing. I also think it would be awesome to work with elderly people again. As much as I like the job I’m at now, I have to think about my future and the face that I still have a few semesters left and that it would be nice to be home at night instead of at work. I also want to be at a job where I would make enough per hour and not have to worry about tips. I really hope that they offer me a position because I feel like I have so much to offer and it would be a job where it would pay off. I feel like I don’t get enough social interaction at the job I have now so it would definitely be a job where I can talk more and make a difference in someone’s life.

I do keep in mind that I have anxiety but because my job is of no challenge anymore and has become mundane, that motivates me to find something that is more challenging and something where I would have to learn new things and people. I like my job because I’m comfortable there and I don’t have to worry about not knowing what I’m doing but at the same time, it’s become boring. I’m ready to get into something else. I want to explore ya know? I just feel like there’s so much out there for me and I’m just holding myself back by staying at the same job.

So, I think if I do get it I may take a week off of my job so I can just focus on getting adjusted to the new one. I don’t plan to ever totally leave the job I’m at now, but I would like to just change my schedule from being there a lot, to maybe one or two days a week. I just can’t be there all the time anymore, whether I get the new job or not. I get tired of going to work in a really good mood and coming home ready to put my fist through a wall. That place can really drive me fucking bonkers and test my patience big time. I get sick of working with lazy ass motherfuckers and having to constantly pick up the slack because no one else will. I feel like I’ve been taking one for the team every single day I’ve worked there and it’s made me tired.

I’ve always done what I could to help out by working so much and picking up the slack but I’d be really happy to not have to anymore. Most of the time I don’t mind because I’m so used to it but sometimes, I am ready to start screaming at people. I get tired of people not pulling their own weight either because they don’t want to or because no one makes them. My job honestly makes me glad I’m looking for something else. As happy as it makes me, it makes me just as miserable. It’s crazy how that works.

It’s also crazy what a year can do. I’ve changed so much over the past few months and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I see everything the way I used to, I just let myself be more expressive about it now without caring who I piss off. I see life the way I did then, but just in a better light. I don’t feel so concerned about pissing people off by being real, setting limits or calling people out on their shit.

I can’t help but think about my ex and how I thought this whole time I was still hurting over him, unable to realize that I was moving on. I will always keep him in my heart but I refuse to be the one to reach out to him anymore. If he really wants me in his life, he can make the effort. If men want you, they will show it. He hasn’t as of this point and I doubt he will which is fine because I can’t allow myself to fall back into the pattern of abuse and criticism like before. That man got a lot of joy from hurting me and loved the sick game of knowing how much I loved him and that he didn’t love me back. He liked getting away with how he treated me and would love another chance to come back and do it again. I just feel that unless we were to ever sit down and reach some kind of arrangement where we could both be happy and comfortable with what’s going on, it’s in MY best interest for us to leave it where it’s at. I would like to get to know each other and work on getting back together and if it was anything but, then I’m better off. I know that I wouldn’t be able to go back to being ‘friends’ which is basically sex and whatever made me the most miserable because that’s what made him the most happy because it’s what hurt me. He loved watching me slowly dying because he wouldn’t spend time with me and just wanted to be ‘friends’ and I will never again give someone a front row seat to watching me suffer again. It was just a horrible situation that I never want to experience again and if I were to send gifts to his house or put music on a flash drive for him like I had originally planned, it would just be sending the message that it would be okay for him to come back and do all the same shit.

The last time we had anything going on, it was all his way and what made him happy. He knew how badly he was hurting me and even apologized at one point for all the shit he put me through but I don’t think he was ever really sorry. I know he liked putting me through bullshit because it made him feel good. I will never allow that again. From him or anyone else. He knew the things he said and the way he treated me was not okay but because I let it go on, that I’m just as guilty as he is. I honestly believed he would change, I believed he would realize his worth, put his wall down and we could have had something special but he was just more focused on playing games with my heart because he knew that it would hurt me the most.

I don’t feel as lonely anymore either and I think it’s because not only do I have my niece in my life, but I have a friend to hang out with once a week as well. She won’t be here this weekend as she’s going to see her Mom for Christmas but we have a good time when we do hang out and she’s not like my other friends where she’s all about going to the bar. We can go out to eat and then come back to my house for a movie, junk food and some beer or wine and it makes for a really fun evening. I like that she doesn’t try and contact me all the time, she doesn’t tell everyone things we talk about, and that she is there for me when I need her. I really wish I had more friends like that.

So, I’m starting to get tired now. I’m sooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking glad I’m off tomorrow too. It’s really fucking nice. I’m gonna watch some tv and crash now.