School schedule, heart hurts. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so I didn’t sleep well last night at all. Because I was feeling so impatient and annoyed with my weight, I took a diet pill and it made it hard to breathe and my heart has hurt since last night when I took it. I’m not worried because this is a side affect to that medication but I will never take them again. My weight has gone back down to almost where it was the other day so I’m going to just keep eating right and try to stop being so impatient.

So I look online at my financial aid award for next semester and it’s like $1,700 less than what I got last time so I called and it’s because I was at 8 credits instead of 9 so I had to completely re-do my schedule and now, I’m in better classes and 2 of them are online! I couldn’t be more fucking stoked!!!!!! This means I only have to go there for one class in the morning and then get to be free the rest of the day! This is going to be so awesome, especially since I’ll have my car paid off and I’ll be able to focus more on school work so I can get better grades this time around! It’s crazy what 1 credit can do and I’m just so thrilled that I won’t have to be there so much this semester. I’m so glad I checked my financial aid stuff because I would have been really upset to only get back enough to pay off my car and buy books AND have a schedule I wasn’t totally happy with. I now have the classes I wanted, I’ll get more money, and not have to be there for more than one class?! Fuck yeah!

It snowed last night and got super cold last night. There was actually no travel advised earlier this morning so I’m gonna wait until like 2 to go do my drug test for the new job. I want to wait long enough for the roads to be okay and because I still need to get my hair dry and get myself ready to go. I really hope that I’ll get a job offer and this isn’t all for nothing. If it is, I’m going to be crushed. This is the job I want and hopefully I’ll get it so I don’t have to stay at the job I’m at much longer or I can at least go down to a day or two a week. I’m not thrilled I get to work 12-7 tomorrow especially because I know it’s going to be cold as fuck but I have to because I need the money.

I’m kinda anxious to get to work since I haven’t been there the past 4 nights. It’s nice to get a break but I’m always thinking 4 days in a row is a big much. I’m trying to figure out how to change my schedule again so I’ll get all my hours but dodge that girl that is still giving me the silent treatment. I’m honestly just hoping I’m going to get that job so I can go down to like 3 days a week when I know she won’t be there. I’m honestly getting so tired of trying to figure out how to avoid this person. It’s ridiculous that she’s been giving me the silent treatment for about 7 months now and I cringe every time I have to work with her. I just hope that I’ll get this other job because that would make this so much easier.

I’m feeling better about things than I was last night. My anxiety was running hard last night and I was about to start bouncing off the walls. I don’t even know why. I think it’s because I’ve been alone a lot the past couple of days and have been stressed out about this job shit. I just really want to get my car paid off so it will be easier to make decisions about where to work and I won’t have to work as much. I want to be able to focus more and school and getting as much out of it as I need to. I’m tired of having to worry about car payments. It’s just ridiculous how much that bill has taken over my life but it will be paid off next month and that’s all that fucking matters. It’s been a long hard road but I’m honestly glad I went through it because it taught me a lot and the main lesson was that I have no one to trust but myself.

I see that the mechanic that worked on my car that helped fuck me over big time has a car for sale over Facebook. It’s an older car that looks good but probably has something wrong (mechanical, title issue, or otherwise) that he’s looking to see today for $1,400. I wouldn’t buy a car from that fucker if he had the last car on Earth. I hope no one buys it and gets fucked over and if he does fuck them over, he actually has to take responsibility for it! I see those people over Facebook and it just makes me sick to my stomach. I was really hoping they would have moved away so I wouldn’t have to see their weasely little faces anymore but no, they are still around.

I’m gonna go take drug test about 2:30. I emailed and made sure they were open since it’s shitty outside and she said she’ll be back around 2:30 and it will only take like 5 minutes. I’ve decided that whether I get the job there or not, I’m gonna keep looking for something else as I’m ready for a change. I also plan to change my schedule so that I will not have to be there so late anymore as I get so fucking sick of never getting out of there when I’m supposed to and when school starts again, I don’t want to be tired as fuck and struggling to get my homework done again.

It’s making me so happy that I will have 2 online classes and I will only have to go to one class every week. It’s going to be great having that freedom to do stuff at home and not have to worry so much about the social aspect of it. I hated having to worry about that last semester and I know I’ll have to worry about it in upcoming semesters but at least this time around it’s not a problem and it makes me feel good about things. I can’t wait for school to start back up,especially because I’m in classes that I’ve been wanting to take. I’m also looking forward to the online stuff!!

I thought about my ex some last night. I was thinking about how he showed me for months how he didn’t care about me at all, he was never around at all. Not even when my back went out. I also think about how I had emailed him telling him I had went on that date and the whole time I wanted it to be him sitting down having dinner with me and all he could write back was apologizing for hurting me. He had no emotion whatsoever about the whole thing and didn’t care I was still heartbroken. I spent months dedicated to loving this person who did nothing but tear me apart. He didn’t care about me the whole time so why should I care enough about him NOW to let him back into my life?!?!?!?

Sigh. I am just so glad that I’m not wasting my time anymore. The main reason why I never texted him is because I didn’t want to go back to anxiously awaiting his responses like I used to. I remember always being on edge waiting for him to answer me, waiting for him to spend time with me, basically forcing something that wasn’t meant to be and I’ll be dammed if I ever go back to that. I’d rather be alone forever than be in that situation with him or anyone else. I love myself now and I’m not going to let someone ever make me feel like I don’t deserve the same love that I would give someone else.

I wasted my time. Time that I could have been using to work on myself. It was crazy how I spent every minute of everyday worrying about him when he didn’t give 2 fucks about me. He loved knowing the impact he had on me, especially how negative it was and how he enjoyed every minute of it. I forgive him for it but that doesn’t mean I will ever be stupid or emotionally vulnerable enough to ever welcome that back into my life. I just can’t let myself fall back into a toxic pattern when I’ve worked so hard to put it behind me and I’ve actually learned to like myself again.

Now that I’m dressed and my hair is dry, I’m still cold. My feet are freezing. It’s gonna be a long night at work. I’m not thrilled about having to be there at noon tomorrow. I’m hoping to God that girl that doesn’t talk to me won’t be there. God, I’m so tired of worrying about her. I’m just hoping it will be a decent day and I can make enough to cover my damn car payment.

Ugh, I feel tired. I didn’t sleep hardly at all last night so I’m gonna drag a bit today. My brother wants me to take my niece when I get off since his girlfriend has to work Christmas graveyard so she wants to stay up all night tonight to get used to it and he wants to stay up with her. I haven’t decided yet because I don’t know when I can actually plan to get off work.

I’ve come so far from where I was and I’m not going to let that get destroyed by a ex or anyone else. I don’t plan to let either one of them back into my life as I’ve done it too many times before already and neither one deserve another chance. Unless I saw some serious improvement, I want both of them to leave me the fuck alone. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at and I plan to keep doing well, even if it is by myself.

I will say that when I met both of them I was not in a good place and it wasn’t the right time for me to be in any kind of relationship because I had so many things I need to focus on and all a relationship did was distract me and take me longer for me to get my shit together. I wasn’t working and with my ex that I was in love with, I didn’t want to work because I was afraid that we would never see each other, even though he made sure we didn’t anyway. I wasted a lot of time that I’m never going to get back and I will NOT go back down that road of putting someone first when I wasn’t more than a choice. I made my mistakes too and that’s why I’m happy to be single so I don’t have anyone around to make my life harder and more stressful.

I got to the point where I just didn’t believe that I could get a job and keep it and had so many health issues going on that a relationship (even a toxic, abusive one) was better than doing what I needed to do all along. Neither one of them cared or respected me because I didn’t care or respect myself. I let them treat me poorly because I didn’t have enough self-esteem to stand up to them or set limits until it was too late. The relationships with these men were just a distraction from shit I couldn’t change. But just made my life more miserable emotionally because both of them treated me like shit. They both were more in love with hurting me more than actually loving me.

All I know is I’m going to enjoy my life. I really don’t need a relationship or even friends to live life. I just need to believe in myself. I can be my own best friend because that way it’s easier to live free and not have to worry about other people and the bullshit they bring along with them. I’m just not going to deal with caring about someone more than they could ever care about me. Been there, done that. And it nearly destroyed me. If someone is not ready to love you back, let them go. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things completely different. It’s definitely true when they say you live and learn and there’s lessons in everything. My last relationship taught me to love myself before anything else and the way someone treats you is showing you how they feel about you.

Ugh, I just want it to be time to go do my drug test and get it over with. I also want to get my ass to work and get that over with too. It’s super fucking cold outside so I’m not looking forward to leaving my house.

Gonna relax before my day gets hectic.