Summary of Continued Suffering in Still Listening to Spirit

AND BLESSED NORTHERN LIGHTS

I continue to have pain and suffering although it is greatly reduced. I spent Thursday night, Christmas Night at Madame’s house laying in her Jacuzzi bathtub filled with hot water trying to keep the pain in back and ribs and stomach at bay. Secondary reason was so Bill could get a night’s sleep without me in the area.

This part, of course, didn’t turn out well because he chose to stayup til 4am in case I called on the phone. Sigh.... his choice.

I would fill the tub from Madame’s new ‘on demand’ hot water heater, ease myself into the tub and lay in the water concentrating on relaxing and peaceful thoughts. The pain would become bearable and I would climb out, wrap in a large beach towel and stumble to a leather recliner to rest.

Let me tell you, I may have lost a bunch of weight but I still had a difficult time getting out of the tub, weak from lack of food, shaky from pain, scared to slip and fall…I was able to do this 4 times from around 11pm to 6am. The tub and heat soak would ease everything for about an hour and a half or so.

By 7 am I knew I couldn’t continue on. Firstly I couldn’t haul myself out of the tub any longer. Secondly, I was exhausted, without sleep for almost 48 hours, and couldn’t keep up the concentration of keeping the pain at bay.

Oh, and did I mention? I was vomiting for about half a day before going to Madame’s and continued to do so until there was nothing but foam and heaves left.?

I called the oncall provider, who is a locum taking Lynne’s place while she goes for shoulder surgery. Bill drove me to the Clinic at 8am. Brian and Deb met me there. I just threw my coat over my new flannel nightgown and went.

Two or three hours later I had been examined, EEG’d, had 4 bags of fluid pumped into my veins, got Zofrim for vomiting–it stopped immediately but then I had horrible acid reflux…Blood and urine test, I forget what all else.

In the end Deb gave me a shot to make the muscles relax and the pain go away as well as a concoction she missed in a small plastic cup that was so vile tasting I swear I will still be tasting it next Christmas! A mixture of milk of magnesia, lidocaine (yes, the thing you get to numb you for stitches) and something else.

I ‘shot’ it down and asked for water, I was given a swallow in a cup and told to swish and spit so as not to dilute the mixture. By the time I was ready to go I was feeling as good as I have felt in I don’t know when, promising to see them Monday (today) for a recheck and that I would wear a different nightgown. I did, by the way, Bill tried to talk me out of it, but I do what I say I am going to do and no one batted an eye.

I am better, but gotten a wee bit ‘worse’ off the feeling good Friday and part of Saturday. Stomach continues to be a problem, getting my system going after prolonged no food, vomiting, constipation, etc. I am eating small meals. I am having problems determining the difference between hunger pains and stomach problems.

I am using moist heat on the muscles, concentrating on health and absence of pain. I am cautiously optimistic. I am also seeing John the therapist tomorrow at 2pm. I want to become willing to discard the ever present thoughts of checking out, my life is over, I need to get willing too to do the work to get back to health. I often think when I need food or water “What’s the use?”

I am grateful for the times I am pain free, and scared to death to be in pain again.

Oh, and to top it off, apparently I have a cardiac problem that needs a stress test to further diagnose it and the financial person has suggested I apply for Medicaid, first though going thru Social Security for disability rating.

I have been wondering if I would be physically able to work the season, and I do not want to let Madame and Greg down by having to stop mid-season. Bill and I will discuss and figure it out, yes we will. I wanted to work 1 more season to finish what I want done to the house, but that may not be what I am supposed to do and we can do the ‘finish’ more slowly.

I am still here, still kicking feebly, and the Northern Lights danced all night long, a first in a very long time. Too cold to sit out, and wary of having a set back, I went on the deck about every 45 minutes to peer up at the sky in amazement and sing praises of the Universe. Blessed be!