No idea in 2014

For the last few weeks, I find myself descending farther and farther down into my spiral. I was self indulgent in the lead up to Sherlock Holmes, and I got sick after. Well, that show closed a week from tomorrow (today technically). But, here I am.
I have lived too long.
It’s a theme that comes up again and again with the kabukimono. I feel it. I really do. I feel that I’ve lived too long. When you’re young, you’re full of hope and potential. I just imagine, if I had died as a teenager, in my early 20’s, heck, so many times: They’d have said, “Oh, poor boy! Such wasted potential!” And, when the potential is wasted, it’s not your fault. It’s just life. It ended. And it wasn’t your fault. Well, I’m 28, and what have I got to show for it? Nothing of value. It’s getting harder and harder to see my own potential. Suffering is easy when there’s hope for something better.
I’ve been sleeping poorly. Even for me. Last week, the 11th/12th, I didn’t sleep at all. How much I’ll agree with this, how much I’ll be able to agree with this, in a day or a week or a month or a year, I don’t know. But I’ve got to do something. I feel as though I’m on fire, and I feel as though I’m crushed. I want to punch things and tear down the world. I want to sleep. I feel the full weight of NOTHING pressing down on me, and I feel like there’s something inside of me boiling. A bit more pressure inside or a bit less outside and I’ll explode.
The only reason Courtney doesn’t try to get me to give up on religion is that she’s pretty certain I’d kill myself. I wonder if that’s Kat’s reasoning as well.
I just feel like life is a sunk cost. I live, and I’ve lived, but I’ve wasted so much that I don’t think I’m going to get much out of it. Seems better to cut my losses. Sadly, not an option.
I’m growing more and more frustrated with Amber every day. It’s a mess. A total and utter mess, and I don’t know where to even begin describing that.
I just don’t see anything good altering for some time, and the only way out seems to be Japan, but I can’t seem to make myself apply for JET.
I just . . . I don’t even know.