Med Term final in a few. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m just getting up and ready to go take my final and then after I gotta get a couple of things from Walmart. I’m gonna maybe get some water pills and see if they help. My weight has gone up some because I cheated Friday night and yesterday I had Taco John’s for dinner. I need to start getting to the gym more than what I do. I know that 2 days a week is just not enough but I don’t always want to swim and the treadmill is just painful. I wish it was warm so I could go for a walk in the park or just do shit outside. I am gonna be so fucking glad when Spring gets here.

I think I’ll do fine on my test. I just want to go get it over with so I can get my Walmart shit over with. I’m actually excited to work tonight because I’ve had a 4 day break so now I feel refreshed. I’m hoping for a good night at work. I have my interview tomorrow afternoon so I’ll need to figure out what to wear to that. I’m excited and nervous because if I get it, that means I have to learn new things and meet new people but for the first time probably ever, I’m more excited than I am nervous. Crazy.

My ex is still on my mind. Even though I’m thinking of him, I’m super proud of myself for not texting him. He’s always going to be a piece of my heart and I just can’t hate him for breaking mine but I have to just leave it alone. I miss talking to him but I don’t miss the abuse either. I don’t miss how he would say really mean things to me right away in the morning, not talk to me until evening and then wonder why I had a shitty day. He truly enjoyed bringing me down and I will not let that happen again. This person got a lot of joy from hurting me and there’s no way he’s going to get to do that again. I think this is one of those ‘don’t know what ya got until it’s gone’ type of deals. I don’t think he realized what he lost until we’ve had several months apart. It does make me feel good to know that he misses talking to me but does he really miss talking to me or does he just miss having someone to tear down?

All I know is I’ve spent a lot of time deciding who should get another chance and who needs to just leave me alone and I can’t see myself giving him another chance until he earns it. I’m just not going to have the kind of relationship with him where it’s all about him and what he wants and my feelings or opinions don’t matter. He truly had no regard for how he made me feel and I can’t let that into my life again.

I just remember being so in love but so alone. I remember just wanting to spend time with him, waiting for him to invite me to do things with him and his family but he never did. He knew that I would spend the whole day by myself and still didn’t think it was necessary for me to hang out with him or get to know his parents. He loved the control he had with me, I think he liked it more than he ever liked me. I just couldn’t understand why he was so adamant about hurting me when I never wanted to hurt him. I still don’t understand. I know he got hurt but I don’t understand how people think it’s going to help anything by hurting someone else. It’s not going to make their pain stop.

Everyone tells me that I just miss him because I haven’t found someone else yet but I think I will still miss him even if someone else comes along. It would be nice if someone did come along that would treat me the way I wanted him to. I’m always going to wish we had something but it’s never going to happen. I do believe anything is possible but not this. There’s just no way he will ever come back to me and I’ll get my love story. There’s just no way.

Fuck it’s only 7am. Super fucking early. I’m thankful that I’ve gotten a lot of sleep the past few days or I’d be struggling to stay awake, more than I already am. I just want to go get this over with. I can’t wait to start my school break. This would be the perfect time for me to get into a new job because I won’t have to worry about school. I hope they offer me a job and the hours are good because I am so ready to get into something new.

More later.