Break from work is nice. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been very nice having my days off and tomorrow will be day 4 since I won’t be working Monday’s anymore. I’m not thrilled to work Thursday night and then come back Friday morning but then I will still have 3 days off. I’m also going to call that senior home health place tomorrow and set up my interview. I do like my job and all but I’m ready to start doing other things.

Today has been pretty cold and windy. Tonight has been very cold and foggy so I’m not going to be surprised to wake up to snow tomorrow night. God, it’s just been incredible to get a break from school and work. I can’t wait until Tuesday because that’s my last class for a month and it’s going to be wonderful to just focus on work and school for a few weeks. I still need to ask about my schedule because 2 of my classes have like a 15 minute overlap and both of them are in different classrooms. I’m sure it won’t be a big deal but I just want to make sure. I’m excited about next semester because all 3 classes are in the morning. I’m not thrilled that one of them is at like 8am but I’m sure I will get used to it just like I did this semester with one class being at 9am.

I just spent an hour at my brother’s house hanging out with my niece and then being there for her bedtime. I just love that kid and I’m so grateful that I get to see her. She keeps me from completely giving up and just throwing in the towel. I feel so blessed I get to call that beautiful, smart little girl my niece. She is truly a blessing and I’m glad that she’s in my life. I feel so happy when I’m around her and she makes me see the good in life. I hope I get to have kids someday…sigh.

Still thinking about my ex. Sometimes I wonder if he could end up doing all the things I fantasize about. Like showing up with flowers, telling me he’s sorry and wants to come back. I wonder what it would be like to hold him again. To joke with him. To kiss his full sexy lips. It’s just crazy I think all these things because even if any of it happened, he would ruin it by being mean or making jokes that wouldn’t be considered funny.

Everyone tells me that I deserve better and someday I’ll find someone who will make me wonder why I was ever with him in the first place. But because I’m not finding anyone else, it makes me wonder if it’s supposed to work out with him provided he lets his wall down. I just don’t see it ever being the right thing for me and I honestly am hoping he just stays away from me. I don’t need the bullshit. I’ve tried enough times with him and even my ex John to know that neither one of them are right for me.

There’s a part of me that wants to write him a letter and leave it on his truck at his work but I probably won’t simply because I don’t want him to think I care that much. I went out of my way so many times to try and make him understand how much I loved him and did what I could to save the relationship and it still went sour because he just didn’t fucking care. I read articles on Facebook all the time about the things your man does when he truly loves you and everything they talk about was so not him. They talk about how your man is super generous with his time, makes you a priority and treats you well. He did none of the things and I just don’t think he has it in him. I don’t see him coming back and doing a full transformation from what he was before.

I’ve accepted that I will never get what I need from him and that’s why I just want him to stay away from me. I am so over his bullshit. For him to make a joke about me becoming a manager yesterday was proof that he’s still the rude, sarcastic fuck he always was. I also think about how I made him so special in my little world and I was never his priority, never once throughout our whole relationship. I think about how that destroyed me and made me so depressed on the daily. He never showed any real jealousy, except in the beginning and then just didn’t care what I did or who I did it with. He also did what he could to hurt me by telling women on facebook how beautiful they were when he didn’t even say that shit to me anymore. He also told me how much he wanted to fuck one of my friends and how he was jealous of her boyfriend getting to “hit that” every night. Like wow, thank you for letting me know how unattractive I am.

I want to just stay single and guard my heart until someone gives me a reason to try and trust again. I just don’t see myself finding a good guy and I’m okay with that for now. I like just doing my own thing and not having to worry about someone else, what they are doing or them falling out of love with me. I still have a lot of issues that I need to deal with and make sense of before someone comes into my life anyway.

Anyways, going to watch Newlyweds and pass out. More tomorrow.