You Waited. You Were Right. I Didn't Mean It. in Always Recovering, Never Recovered.

I want you back.

You knew that, you know it, you were always waiting. You never left, you stood in shadows; I’ve come so far but I would undo it all for you. Unzip this skin, strip off the flesh that hides my bones, crawl back to your familiar ruin and be safe, safe in the arms I know the best.

My denial, years worth of denial, trying to make it right without you… It isn’t right, it will never be right, because without you I am only half. Half of myself, because the other half is you, your rules, your way. I miss you.

I never, never get anything right, I make mistakes every time I breathe. Life is a mystery to me, a terrifying mystery, I’m so lost, always. Your rules are so much easier than fighting with myself, than trying to understand. Your rules, my structure, everything that is familiar and safe to me.

You, you’re watching me, you know I’m weak and your arms are open. I long for you, I need you, I want you and everything you offer me. I am willing to forget every tear I cried over you, every drop of blood I drew from myself, everything you ruined.... I want to be ruined.

I give up, you win.

I want you back.

Last updated October 24, 2014