#somuch in All of Me

So much is going on-not much is happening…

I spend most days trying to maintain.I went through a pretty dark depressive episode ,isolated myself and stopped working out,although i knew that was counterproductive.I didn’t even want to feel better -I didn’t believe I deserved to feel better.i didn’t tell anybody because,really,there’s nothing anyone can do.

I don’t know what caused it or triggered it.Maybe the winter,maybe loneliness,maybe feeling inadequate in most ways. I feel relieved because I am out of the darkness for now.I never want t feel that again.I know it will return.It always does. I have to savor this -I feel like I have escaped drowning -like I finally came up for air so I can breathe,but I’m still treading water furiously-and it feels good to struggle ,to know I care enough to fight.

I Talked to a little girl today at work who needed a psych evaluation because she wrote a note in class stating that she did not want to live.shes 17.I saw myself in her....I was her at 17…just no one knew ,no brought me to the hospital…I never cried out for help.She did. ..and she is fighting,instead of allowing her demons to choke the life out of her.there is so much beauty in that.

I want to fight now. I feel I am so much more than my demons-so much more than my insecurities.

I just want to hold on to this moment,to this feeling -i t is fleeting-and I have allowed myself to lose it all too frequently.

Last updated March 20, 2015