No Standing Still in meh...

I have a tendency to disconnect from life. It’s very necessary. It’s a refuge to work on myself when I’m hurting, it’s a place to recharge my batteries. Sometimes I just need to be alone. Not to focus on me or healing or any of that other stuff. I just need the noise around me, the noise of life to stop. It penetrates me and I feel the need to hide and run away to get away from it.

The upside is when I re-emerge, I’m good again. I’m me again. The down side is that I have alienated my friends & family. I’m outdated on what has happened in the world. Life doesn’t stand still because I decide to not be a part of it anymore. I find that I’m okay with that because most of the things in this life are not for me. But it’s like I’ve come out of statsis hoping that people in my life have been on hold waiting for me. I know they don’t, won’t. It’s like when someone goes to war or goes to jail. When they come back they are not the same person, but it’s in reverse. I will have put myself in solitary confinement to regroup, but the world changes while I’m in the hole. I am made to adapt and adjust just so things can be groovy again.

Did I lose you yet?

I am a simple creature, but complex in my simplicity. That is the only thing I can say to describe me. I don’t expect others to get it, to get me, but when those people come along and we click…I love it.

I am at a point where I’m ready to disconnect. This thing and over thinking regarding Him, this food truck situation with my sister, the feeling of losing myself to make others comfortable, the feeling of loss and losing. The realization that I’m too old to just now be on a journey to find myself because when I was able to I was busy living to care for other people. The knowledge that despite me wanting to live forever, I will die someday. The thoughts surrounding all of the injustice in the world, not just here in St. Louis or in New York, the world over, has cause life to become a bit burdensome. I’m overwhelmed with it and I need a break.

When I got home yesterday, I cleaned my living room. I started to wash some dishes. I turned on some music and let my heart bleed through singing. I never once turned on the television. I then started writing. I was listening to various cd’s and termed it “The Dark Liquor Music Hour” which made me laugh a little, but then as I sang some of the lyrics to my favorite songs, I felt tears bubbling from my soul, but they didn’t spill. In a way that’s good, in a way that’s bad. Good because I’m trying to be reasonable and not be pitiful with myself, but bad because I want to know that I can feel. That I’m not desensitized and out of touch. I know I’m not, but sometimes, because I disconnect…I just want to remain human and caring and a Loving Person.

Read an article this morning from Facebook that my cousin posted. Something about The Pain Of Loving Someone You Know You Will Never Be With…lays down on the floor/cues the music/cues the dark liquor

I did okay. I was trying not to drink yesterday. Then I ended up taking two shots of my “Gentleman” friend named “Jack”.

I then turned on the tv to escape my sad reality of the moment and watched Arrow and then Stalker. Stalker was surprisingly good. Won’t say that it will become appointment tv, but it was good. Then I went to bed. There was nothing else to do.

Until next time, peace, love & light.
Kindest regards,
Sister