Who I Am, How I Am in meh...

I’m a rather strange bird compared to what “normal” is supposed to be. I talk a good game, but I’m not a violent person…anymore. I use to fight all the time. I think I had my last fight at 15 and I had to be egged repeatedly by my opponent. She was asking for it and I beat her. LOL

But that’s me straying from my original thought. I can’t put this on that other popular social media site because those that know me will know what my reference is.

It started w/a song quote:
”…so when you ask what’s wrong with me, I’d tell you ‘we were meant to be’ but it’s unnecessary as long as you’re happy…“

Okay, so of course this is in regard to my situation with Him. One thing I can say without question, if I love you like that, you will never have to wonder how I feel. I will tell you. Even if I don’t say anything, you will know via how I treat you. Love is an action word, right? That’s what people are always peddling. Well, with him it’s action in motion. And he knows this. So with that in mind, I still say it was of my doing that he he was able to form the bond that led him to become betrothed to someone else. I can’t willfully run around and say, “He knows we’ve been in this for years. How could he??” I know how he could. I cut the cord and then yanked him back like a play thing and that’s not what he is. He didn’t have to reciprocate and continue the game, but he did. shrugs We are like that.

So this is why I am geared up for our end. I could tell him I love him. Fall to my knees and scream to think about us, what about me, blah blah blah… but then what? He has made investments in that relationship. They have a home now. He is determined to marry her. I heard it in his voice from the conversation we had about a week, week and a half ago. He does love her. I can’t compete with that nor am I trying to.

And this is where I am the strange bird.
I’m happy for him.
If he is happy, and he is determined to do this, then why would I try to break it up for him and see him unhappy and stressing and going through changes? Some of my peers would be on a mission to break up the wedding, to do whatever they can to break up the relationship. Get on Facebook and tell her about their relationship, all that drama causing foolishness. And then what? He would hate me for doing that, try to repair what’s been broken with her, and I’d still be by myself. See? Like in My Best Friends Wedding when Rupert Everett was trying to talk Julia Roberts down off of her crazy ledge moment, he said to her, “You’re chasing him. He’s chasing her. Who’s chasing you? No one. Get it??” That quote has stayed with me ever since I saw that movie the first time and has been the basis as to why I bow out and fall back whenever I feel myself chasing, not so much as chasing as my feelings go unreciprocated. And not that he hasn’t reciprocated, but there’s been a plan laid out that I’m not involved in. So why force myself into the equation? Why go through it? He made his choice. So, I will let the Saga of Sister & Him play out and fade to black.

I don’t want misery for anyone even at the expense of myself in this case. I don’t want to be the cause of it. I don’t want him to live a lie and be guilty in his new life. This is how it has to be. I know it. I’m sure he knows it. I will miss him. I’ve spent my 30’s in love with him. How could I not? It will have to be clean break though, because to be friends only means to leave us open for the inevitable slip up and we will slip up. This is not me playing the relational martyr, but just me being me. Me being an adult. Me making a decision and dealing with it no matter how bad it breaks my heart. But, I will bounce back. I always do. It will take a bit of time. It has to. I won’t ever forget him. Can’t. Can’t undo nearly 10 years in three months, unless some hot stud decides that he wants to help me pick up my pieces. Then in that case, I’m good.

So that’s all I have to say today.
Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated December 10, 2014