The Mind Killer in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Apologies in present tense and in advance… I am already behind on Bookmarks by 10, and that number will continue to grow as I will be out of town this weekend for Make Up Thanksgiving to spend time with my MO relatives. That should be nice. It is certainly needed!

I’m self-sabotaging again. Not as dramatically as I have before, and being aware of it this early certainly allows me to combat that self-defeating behavior… but… I recognized it, analyzed it, and discovered what was behind it: fear. Passing the bar exam and getting an actual lawyer job will be a great and big step forward for me..... but it is more important than that. If (hopefully when) I pass the Bar Exam and get an actual lawyer job… I’m terrified that it won’t actually change everything. I mean… both my fault and hers… my wife and I have been using this MOMENT… the moment of becoming a lawyer with a real job… as the moment of expectation. After the bar is passed and we get a real job then we can get my wife a job she doesn’t hate… then we can get a marriage counselor… then we can work on healthy habits for weight loss… then we can get a queen sized bed (or bigger)… then we can have an adult relationship that includes sexual contact.... Obviously, I want all of that. I mean… it is what I’ve wanted for quite some time… but I think I’m self-sabotaging because… what if I get my license to practice law, get a job that I enjoy and pays well, but… everything else falls apart? That despite everything… my wife won’t try to get another job, we’ll keep having issues lining up a marriage counselor, she still won’t be proactive about health, and she continues to refuse intimate touching. If… after everything… nothing changes… I know I’ll have to get a divorce. And I realize… keep the worst case in mind, but hope for the best case… the wife and I have talked about it enough that I should just expect everything to work out but… I have the very unpleasant feeling that… if I pass the bar exam… if I get a good legal job… and if things don’t get better for us… I just have this feeling that I’ll find someone better (whether I’m looking or not) and… I don’t want that. Despite the fact that my wife doesn’t satisfy or consider my physical needs; I do love her. There are a lot of reasons why I want to stay married to her… and I would never want to hurt her.

I guess for right now I have to desperately convince myself that everything will work out how it is supposed to. Just keep focusing on the Bar Exam and pray with great earnest that this time I pass!