On my mind in Adventures in paradise

Ergh, I’ve tried everything tonight to calm my mind down, but it’s all over the place. I should probably just go to sleep early, but I have a late start tomorrow so I know I’ll get tired early if I do that.
Being a nightowl really does feel lonely sometimes. It’s just as well I’m usually totally A-okay with my own company and my internet connection. Wow that totally made me sound like a perve LOL. I do see some risque stuff on the sites I visit sometimes however, although it tends to be the same sites over and over. I rarely hear of any new, exciting ones. I’m very routine when it comes to stuff like that. Unless a link is right in front of me, I’ll rarely go exploring, especially since I don’t have much bandwidth each day anyway. I even tend to read gay erotica moreso than watch porn these days.

So tonight I signed off the internet and picked up a book. That lasted about three more pages. I’m onto my 4th book from the ones I bought in Sydney, but this one just isn’t grabbing me as much as the previous ones did. I can easily put it down and go back to it, but in doing so, it’s taking me forever to get through.
I even went to the gym tonight. I’ve been going every day over the past week. I tend to swap between the idea of doing everything at once every two days (so that I don’t have to go so often) and going every day but swapping between lower and upper body. Right now, the every-day thing is working for me because I don’t have to stay there anywhere near as long as I was.
I’m moreso of the mindset that I need to take this more seriously and work toward a physical goal, because I feel like it’s the only thing I’ve got going for me right now.

Work is an interesting situation. I believe my manager has one of his friends starting with us soon, so who knows how that’s going to turn out. If you’re buddies with the manager, you probably automatically get some perks. It was our 2IC’s final shift last night, so we don’t even have one next week as far as I know. They could ask me to do it, they could not. I haven’t exactly been too keen on the idea, but hey, it’s not like I’m doing much else, right? I kind of figure I’ll be called in a lot this week anyway, since my manager has 38 hours to cover somehow. I can do any night this week, but I can’t do Wednesday because I’m going to the ‘Brief’s‘ performance (as a treat to myself for my birthday) and my birthday is on Thursday, so I’d rather not spend that working. I’m still trying to think of something I can do for it, even if it’s by myself and most likely alone. The idea that another year has gone by so fucking fast is scary to me. I’ll be 31. That’s the age I’m meant to take out full health insurance (at least from an Australian perspective). I can’t even remember why right now, my head is all over the place. Ergh, do I really wanna turn 31? Not like I can help it haha.

I think I just need some sleep. My head is a combination of ‘Do I do more work hours?’ ‘Where the hell do I find this illusive Unicorn boyfriend in Fairytale-land’ and a mix of other random weird-ass stuff floating around my strange little mind.

But when I put things in perspective, and just think clearly, I really am doing okay. Sure I have an annoying landlord, but I don’t have to deal with him for at least another three months. I don’t really get along great with any of my current housemates, but I don’t ‘not’ get along with them either. We’ll say ‘hi’ to each other and Jeff and I will argue about trivial stuff, but that’ll be it. I could hardly call my housemates my friends. We are just all different people in different ways. I’ve learned I can’t just force friendships to happen. I’d love to be friends with Nick, but hey, I think we’ll just be housemates for as long as we’re living together and nothing will extend from there. He’s definitely my favourite housemate though, so that’s probably why I say that.

Also, gym’s going relatively okay. I can see I’m fit and I get some compliments from guys, but I get so much inspiration from other fit guys on my facebook and/or Instagram that it drives me to want to do better.
I even wrote a note on the whiteboard in my room, like an inspirational quote that I’d wake up and look at, but then I felt stupid if someone else happened to see it, so I rubbed it off. Lame.

I found a fish in the pond today. A dead one. Not one of our fish though. I only found it when I was dragging a rake across the top of the pond, removing debris from the storm. It’s silver scales sparkled in the sunlight, catching my eye. I flicked it up with the rake, and it landed in the yard, just outside the pond. It confuses me where the hell these fish come from. This is the second one I’ve found like this, and both times they have been dead. I’m getting a feeling a neighbour must be throwing them in our pond, or birds are dropping them from overhead. I find it hard to believe that storm would have brought it in, although I guess a possibility given it’s strength. It was only freshly dead so it can’t have been there long. I threw it in the garden. The ants will enjoy it.
Our pond-fish seem to be okay, still coming up for the food I feed them.

Maybe this staying up really late thing is sub-consciously preparing me for a management role at work (again). I’m gonna have to really change my life around if that’s to be the case, because once you go into management at the company I work for, you basically live there. And because I always want to do the best job I know how, I know I would do exactly that.