The Canyons in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

My emotions have been all over the place for the last month. I need to take this moment and acknowledge some truths, no matter how uncomfortable they make me feel.

I hate my life right now for no reason. Usually when I have been displeased with my life in the past, it has something to do with a specific choice I’ve made like a path I’ve chosen or a person with whom I have chosen to associate. I like all of the content of my life right now, in fact, I would dare say that I feel more open to settling down than I ever felt before. But that seems to be a bit of an illusion. I blame my hatred on an accumulation of little things… For instance, I can’t stand California, either because of the economy or because of the climate. I very deeply regret going to school at Cal Poly. But that’s beside the point, this season of my life is coming to a close so that’s something that I don’t really need to worry about right now.

I have no idea what I’m going to do when I’m done. I’m not kidding. I know I want to leave California, but that’s not looking like a realistic prospect right now which makes me anxious. But there are lots of other things that are wrapped up in this, and they’re things I bitch about all the time, but they have a little bit more clarity at the moment.

I’m not too ashamed that I’m 31. Most people tend to view me as this extremely vain person, I don’t really know how I got that reputation, but I just try to do me. I don’t hide my age, but there is one thing about it that makes me sad. I feel like I’ve missed the boat when it comes to love. I don’t like talking about this stuff, even on here, because it’s so mopey and embarrassing. I really have never believed that anyone has truly loved me and so I live my life prepared to be alone.

I don’t want to be alone. But at the same time, I don’t know how to be not alone. I do things without consulting other people. I don’t really let people in on my thought processes or my decision-making process. I don’t consider other people. I do not know how to accommodate another person. I don’t even truly know how friendships work because I don’t collaborate or compromise on any level.

This is the reason that I have a phone that never rings. I stay home every night of the week unless I have plans to go out by myself because of some long-standing tradition in which I do not let other people interfere. This is the reason I don’t get invited to parties in which people I know, people whom I consider to be my friends, are throwing and attending.

I am the opposite of a vampire: nothing about me invites people in.

Recognizing these traits is nothing new; I have long seen these patterns develop within myself as I started the new road to adulthood. However, the paths are being worn into the landscape and I finally see what kinds of canyons these will become. I will become like my grandfather.

I do not like to admit that I am anything like my grandfather, but we are very similar. He is an isolated and bitter old homosexual who never leaves his house, has no friends except for the relatives whom he believes are forced to remain acquainted with his toxic personality. While he used to be mildly and amusingly bitter, it has slid into a dark, poisonous aura that contaminates every person with whom he comes in contact. That is my future.

I used to think my bitterness as charming, and sometimes it can be, but too soon in my future I see it spiraling out of my control into a serious problem that sours every relationship I have.

I am incredibly sensitive and I don’t like it when people don’t like me. That being said, for a great portion of my life, a lot of people hated me for no reason and I had to learn to live without caring what people thought of me.

Not caring what people think of you is actually a product of caring too much what people think of you.

I must find the moderation or I will have huge gaps of loneliness in my life for a long time.