Gragh-Duh-Blargh in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

It feels like one of those days where my brain wants to communicate four or five different things; but I’ve done nothing all day so I feel like it would be silly to spend time writing… is that bizarre?

I suppose I can start with the SENSORY.
Winter has appeared in full force around here. Sunset is right around 5:00pm now and as soon as it dips below that my heart gets heavy. It is funny- I’m not a Sun Kid anymore. Ever since around High School, I’ve been infinitely more Casper the Friendly Ghost than George Hamilton. However, something about sundown being before 5pm always gets me in a more depressed mood. My sister-in-law wisely suggested I may have a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder… and when I was in college, I used to hit a tanning bed once a week to combat that and it worked. But of course… financial reasons aside, everyone in my family freaks about the health implications of tanning beds so now I just… deal. On top of that… as the weather has gotten colder (it is currently -4c/24f) and the sun has set earlier… the few children that live in my building have become… shall we say… more apparent? They’ve been running up and down the stairs all evening and I constantly hear this shrieking reminiscent of an adolescent howler monkey. I don’t blame the kids… they have a lot of energy and their parents don’t want them outside because it is too dark. I do blame the parents… if you don’t want them outside, you better damned well control them indoors.
I suppose a further sensory aspect that ties into the possible S.A.D. is how my sleep gets totally messed up. Some days, I’ll wake up at 6 or 7am naturally and not be able to go back to sleep. Other days, like today… I slept until 2pm. It just… the whole thing freaks my inner clock out all over the place!

Next, I’ll go with… MEMORY
As some of you know, I’ve been working on my autobiography. Not in any professional manner or even anything akin to publish-worthy… but just getting an autobiography down in case I ever do have reason or desire to do something with it. Anyway, I had the next chapter mostly finished… I wasn’t happy with it, but at least I had something on paper for 2 years old to 5… and I was trying to finish it up by the end of the week. It was difficult… for some reason, I just… I felt like what was going on with my present thoughts were conflicting with my ability to accurately remember my past experiences… so I took a break, tried to clear my head… and when I returned? All of the work had been lost to cyberspace… every page, paragraph, sentence, and word were gone. :( So… that chapter may take a considerably longer time to finish than I had first anticipated.
Something else struck me lately as I contemplated memory and the process of memory. Now, it should come as no surprise that I have zero medical background and anything I know about neuroscience has been through my liberal arts education and/or reading done on my own time. That being said, I am at least aware of neuro-pathways and the beginnings of how memory is formed as a bioelectric function. I am also aware (though uncertain if it is merely a theory or proven science) that there is a discussion on individual ability to recall memory in regards to these pathways. That being said… the following:
As I’ve been reading and barely working on some of the NoJoMo entries; I’ve become a bit envious of the people for whom pleasant memories are so easy to recall. I haven’t led a horrible life.... my family loves me, I’ve never been in poverty, I’ve never had a near-fatal illness… life has been largely comfortable with a few exceptions. But… the pathway to pleasant memories seems… underutilized and potentially atrophied for some reason. If you ask me about my relationships with people, or terrible things that have happened to me, or geopolitical quagmires though history, or even criminal statutes… those are easy to grab from the ether of my mind. But if you ask me to focus on positive memories or wonderful times? Yeah, I can tell you about my first kiss… who it was with, where it was, around what month/year it was.... but I can’t tell you what she was wearing, what I was wearing, how I felt, what happened before or after… it is as if I remembered the experience rather like a detached observer.

Finally… EMOTION
It would be foolish of me not to admit that, in many ways, I’ve led a very charmed life. Despite my father’s adamant protests to the contrary; our family has never truly worried about money, food, or shelter. I’ve never felt economically pressured to do something that I didn’t want to. I know that, no matter what, I can always return to my parents’ home for food, love, and shelter should the need arise. These are all things that differentiate me with far too many people in the world. So, truly, whenever I have #FirstWorldProblems or issues that stem from blessings… I truly feel like a shit for not seeing the best, most positive side.
Unfortunately, I find myself in that exact position this evening. I never had to worry about college. Going there was always a foregone conclusion and my parents told me time and again that paying for college would never be my concern. True to their word, despite the abhorrent tuition increases that occurred while I was matriculating, my parents paid for my entire undergraduate degree. When I met my future-wife and got married… her late-grandfather had also seen to it that she would not have to worry about tuition for her undergraduate degree. So neither of us had any debt when we got married. But, of course, we got married knowing I was soon to enter law school and begin to accrue debt. That payment has recently arrived. The “Time to start paying us back” letter arrived and we got to see how much money we owed, including interest and everything else. It was… far less than I had anticipated. Truly. Attending a private Jesuit Catholic Law School… I expected to pay back $150k or more. The price comes, currently, to just under $137k. Quite the positive surprise.
Now looking at our bank account:: When we got married, we received many very generous monetary gifts. Since getting married, both my wife and I have had a combined total of 6 birthdays, 3 Christmases, 3 anniversaries, and one law school graduation. Our families have continued to be very generous with monetary gifts and my wife is always extraordinarily frugal (and, in my opinion, too much so.) This means that, if we decided to, my wife and I could pay off the entire difference owed for Law School right now. All of it. One check and it would all go away. And… it wouldn’t even completely liquidate us. We’d still have over $20k in the bank. But that would be all the money we’d have as we lived off me- not earning and her-working a job that she hates that is killing her and our marriage.

So… why am I feeling sour over something that almost 100% of my friends would be cry-celebrating about? Because… it is my family. We are a family of achievers, succeed-ers, doers, and makers. JUST my generation JUST since becoming adults:
My Brother- a Navy man during 9/11 and three years after; joined VBSS, a team that boarded hostile vessels and subdued combatants; left the Navy to go to college and help professors illustrate medical text books; went to graduate school for Biomedical Illustration and now owns and operates his own very successful, multi-award winning company.
My Female Cousin (younger)- possessed of a love of teaching, earned her degree as a teacher from Vassar with Honors; spent a year teaching in a school in Ireland; spent two years teaching at the International School in Beijing; currently teaching first grade in St. Louis.
My Male Cousin (youngest)- always obsessed with machines, earned his engineering degree while simultaneously earning his pilots license; has flown cross-country numerous times and currently works as an engineer for a classified Space Agency (honestly, not sure if it is private or government… classified.)
Then.... there’s me (second oldest)… possessed of a passion for theater; attended college and earned a degree in Religious Studies, became a telemarketer for a few months before quitting to work for Best Buy for 4 years. Attended Law School and did middling at best. Now working for the Corrections Department part-time. I just… I feel (1) like I haven’t achieved anything since becoming an adult; and (2) like the black sheep of the family… the one who hasn’t done anything with the abundant gifts that God and The Family have bestowed. It just… it feels kind of like a shitty place to be.