Heartbreak And Hope in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

As a mother I have not always been the best. So, there have been many walls to break down and paths to build. All because of choices I made. Bad choices, and moments when life was out of control and rolled the way life just does. But by grace I have been able to be a committed mother and follow through day by day.

Because my son is grown I have taken a fairly hands off approach with him. He needs to live his life and become who he will. If asked I offer my motherly say, but cautiously. Seldom have I held back. Still, being human I erred on the side of caution and bit my lip a few times when, in hindsight, I should have followed my gut and spoke out.

This morning I was sleeping and missed the first call, but only minutes passed before my son called back. I heard the phone and answered because it was him. Anyone else would have reached voice mail. I was still due a few hours sleep.

Mom, I need to talk
Okay, son. What’s going on?
Something happened. It’s not good.

As any mother will tell you, those words send the mind reeling, chasing possibilities, and imagining fears by the dozens in the short time it takes for a child to form their very next word. I managed to coral my thoughts, silence them and convince myself to just listen, focus on what he is going to say.
Oh Dear Lord, guide me…

Last night I was drinking, apparently blacked out… and did some things I have no recollection of… but was filled in briefly this morning…
SIGH
I called Trev because he heard about it so I have the story second hand.

Of all the people my son could talk with, I was glad Trev was the one. There wouldn’t be any information mis-stated, or sugar coated.

Long story short my son and his fiance’ were having a disagreement over something, and because he was drinking, things with him got out of hand and he hit her. Details at this point remain unknown. When my son woke this morning every consequence possible was on his shoulders. Along with a note to call Trev.

She had already left for work. He pulled himself together and headed for school. Knowing what he had done was tearing him to pieces. His love for this woman is immeasurable, his actions have him feeling horrified and ashamed. Rightly so.

When he came home a note and her engagement ring were on the table.

I listened to him sort through a lengthy list of negative feelings and thoughts he was experiencing. Slowly that opened the door to his reality. That obvious, disturbing reality, he would never have hit her had he not been drinking. So, the long walk down the path of his drinking pattern, the enlightenment of the progression of behavior leading to unwanted consequences began. I listened for a very long time, part surprised, part knowing, all heartbroken.

I took my turn to reiterate what he had just told me. Each. And. Every. Step. Then explained blackouts and how some things can’t turn back. But, they can be stopped.

Addiction in one form or another runs three generations or more deep in all but one member on each side of his family. That reminder was all it took for him to do a deeper review of his own history. I could hear the raw pain and surprise in his voice as he moved through his calendar of events. Within the first hour of our talk he had moved from “I guess I’ll need to start watching how much I drink” to “I’ve got a problem and might loose what means everything to me in my life if I don’t do something.”

At that point I asked if he knew what the term “tough love” meant, because he was about to receive some. He asked for my definition. I gave it, asking if he understood. He did.

My son, if you are about to loose everything you treasure, and if you think you have a problem, and if you want to have a life with the woman you adore, and if you want to finish college, and if you plan to pursue the career you dream of, and if you think you have a problem with alcohol, then my advice to you is get your butt to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting before the end of the night, pay close attention to what you hear and get phone numbers from some men with a good length of sobriety, IF you really think you want a future. (pause) Are you hearing me? (pause) That word IF best become BECAUSE.

Self-talk is powerful stuff. We feed ourselves what we believe is working and eventually don’t hear the subtle words that become the building blocks of failure. IF is a demon in the vocabulary of life and my son was drowning in it. Add any other problem creating substance (person, place or thing) and the power of those demons is multiplied to the tenth power.

After a brief silence he began to speak again. Going over his history with a fine tooth comb his tone and words confirmed he knew if was no longer an option. He began committing to change. The subtle and insidious day-to-day habits that had been overlooked were now his enemy. That boy was putting together a battle plan as he spoke. He was making decisions that could work.

Mom, the hard part is going to be doing it.
Yes son, that is correct.

At this junction I chose to get in his other business, without asking. He professes to not believe in any religion, though he does have a reasonable set of values and morals. Now was the time to point out, though he has his belief system, that I realize he is far from being atheist and therefore he must acknowledge there is some form of a higher being.

Son, of course we both know I believe in God. I’m not asking you to take on my beliefs. But I am strongly suggesting, that considering your life is in utter despair right now, you open your heart to whatever power there may be and ask for forgiveness, courage, and guidance. Don’t worry about how you say it, this won’t be a paper you’re writing for college. Just let the words flow from your heart. You just don’t know, maybe something will come of it for you!

His next words amazed me.
Mom, I think you have a good point there. And it certainly can’t hurt.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! My son was wiling to consider spiritual intervention. Thank you sweet Jesus for answering my prayer. Thank you! Another brief silence allowed me to bask in warmth, feeling the joy of God’s intervention. I became quiet on the matter, not wanting to push a good thing away.

Conversation continued with many thought-filled silences. At one point I said,
I want you to do something, today, before she comes home.
He agreed without negotiating what I was about to ask.
Sit down and write a letter to your future self. Write about your plans and aspirations. Tell of your joys and struggles, as well as your strengths and challenges.
My son didn’t ask me why, but said he would do it. The purpose is simply to get in front of his own eyes where he is, what he has to work with, what needs change, and where he wants to be in ten years. Reading about yourself has the power to bring light to even the deepest hidden emotions and helping reconcile what you see.

Yes, I’m pushing him hard today. He needs it. As he said, “I’m standing on the edge of a steep cliff and the wind is blowing hard. Which way I fall is going to change my life, forever.”

My son saying that reminded me of the Parable Of The Seed so I took time to share that with him. I’m glad he’s intelligent, right away he made the connection between the seed and his life. A discussion of farming for fruitful land ensued. I knew his thinking was on solid ground. Still, I didn’t lose sight the outcome of his story may end up being him alone, so reminded him he is the seed. As such he is must tend his ground first, in order to grow and see a harvest, so then he can share with others. He understood my point.

I offered a quick list of what to do for the body to flush out all the alcohol he consumed last night. He was already hitting the water steadily. I suggested he plan and cook a nutritious dinner, have it on the table when she arrives home from work, and both of them eat, best they can. Nobody eats well when they are upset. I pushed a bit about needing to eat at home, more consistently and together when possible. Eating meals at restaurants with alcohol needs to stop in order for him to break this cycle of drinking. This is prime time to develop good habits.

Then he brought up a bad habit they developed. All couples fall into them, some break out. I raked him over the coals on this particular thing, told him it was time for them both to grow up and stop playing like they are high school kids. He agreed. I told him he needed to communicate to her this was not acceptable and they both must stop now. If it doesn’t they don’t stand an ice cubes chance in Africa of their relationship making it in the long run. I think this may have been the only time in his adult life I really laid into him with a brief, but firm, lecture. It was well received.

Mom, would yo do something for me?
Yes, of course. I would do anything for you.
Would you say a prayer for me?
Son, I already have been, and yes, I am going to be saying many prayers for you today. And for her.
I appreciate it, Mom.
I know you do, baby boy.
You are always in my prayers, son. You know something else? By asking me to pray for you that shows you do believe in God.
Hmm
Son, nobody asks for something they don’t believe in, do they?

Boy, right now I would suggest you get down on your knees and say some prayers, yourself.
Yeah, I probably should.
Son, God didn’t give you life so you would suffer. He created you. If He desired that for you, imagine the goodness He plans for you!
I never thought of it like that, Mom.
Son, you just ask God for His help. Might happen by the end of the night you notice some of your prayers have been answered!

I asked a lot of my son today, at a time when he had plenty on his plate to begin with. My chances to bring son closer to God are few and far between, Today he was open to God three times in a four hour phone call. Sweet Divine Intervention.

I look forward with hope to the next phone call from my son. I believe with all my heart God wants the best in this situation. That my son also wants change in his life and is willing to step entirely out of his comfort zone so those changes are possible is worth more than words can say. I will continue this course of prayer, encouraging my son to reach out in prayer, and know my God hears everyone who calls to Him. I will also pray they work this issue out and continue their engagement. Sure, this is heartbreaking but I know the One who heals broken hearts and have faith it is already done. Amen!