What is “retirement?” Part 2 in Daydreaming on the Porch

Part 1 is here: https://www.prosebox.net/entry/2196351

When I look back on the diary entries which have told little bits of my life story spanning many years, I realize that I am now whole, even if I am not completely at peace, and there are many fragments of myself are only tenuously held together. My successes and failures have been documented.  My privacy is still intact.  When and how I decline will not be of great consequence because I have been fortunate enough to journey relatively far  in this physical vessel into old age. Retirement is an opportunity to pull any loose strands together. By that stage of life we hopefully have enough spiritual insight and wisdom to carry us to the end, even as we recognize fully that on this physical plane we were never meant to achieve  perfect peace and fulfillment.  

Without the written record of my life, composed and selected from memories intentionally, I would feel a deep void because I want something left of me that provides a “stream of narratives” that convey my  “thoughts, joys, feelings, cherished times, worries, fears, desires, and hopes Through this vehicle of the diary, I can make at least some sense of what has transpired over a long time.

One thing I have learned is that there is certitude about life’s finitude in retirement. There’s no going back.  There’s no doing things over a second time.  Life in retirement  seems very much shorter. My college student neighbors lived worlds apart in every way but physically, since they lived next door. I heard their banter and chatter often.  This, combined with retirement, really made old age sink in.

When  I first really pondered the prospect of retirement in my early sixties, I did feel a creeping sense of insecurity and disorientation.  I was torn with anxiety in the weeks before I knew I had to make it official when I turned 66.  The disorientation continued for a couple of months, but then I realized it was the best thing that could have happened to me.  I’ve never looked back.

When I retired I felt as young and energetic as I was 20 years earlier. Retirement was a completely new start, in just about every sense of the word. I embraced the endless possibilities of doing anything I wanted.

I was completely absorbed in the  transition,  as I now had time to devote myself completely to caregiving.  If I had not had those responsibilities 24/7 the adjustment period would have been much longer.

Also, ever since retirement began, I have struggled with the conflicting forces of dwelling too much on the past and past failures.  This is because  l’ve had more time to think often about the past, especially during the years after Covid struck.  

But now the awful failures of the past have lost their sting, and I focus more on living one day at a time and dwelling in the present. I have found that it’s more important to  live in the day/moment than it is to make oneself depressed going back and trying  to figure out the past or worrying about what very old age, and possibly infirmity, would be like.

In retirement and old age, it seems to me one has no real option but to be hopeful.  I feel I can absorb more easily and long-lastingly, the slings and arrows of life.  Retirement allows me to see just how well-entrenched my coping skills are.  Also, most importantly, I focus on spiritual truths and religion  with a calmer, more realistic and less guilt-driven attitude and approach.

Once you are no longer working you realize how vastly all-encompassing work had been.  But despite this need for work to meet most of my in-person social needs, I have always had a very rich online life, this diary and all the comments from readers, as well as my replies, being a prime example.  

One problem is that spending so much time online has detracted from my reading in comparative religions, spirituality, and ancient wisdom traditions.  The desire is great but the lure of constant intellectual and other stimulation from the internet easily supercedes the difficult task of reading books. One needs to devote all one’s attention and concentration to that activity, whereas online I can  multitask.  For quite  socially disconnected persons like myself, this stimulation and enfoldment in virtual reality is a powerful antidote to loneliness.  I really don’t know how I would be doing now if retirement had happened 25 or more years earlier.

Religion, spirituality, and ancient wisdom traditions have become for me the reference point around which I sought, and continue to seek, deeper meaning and answers to the most profound and basic questions of life.

Aging as a whole has emerged for me as “a process of not just passively getting old, but of actively growing old…”.  We all get old, but not everyone is able, for myriad reasons, to “actively grow old,” by which I mean not just being a physically fit senior, but one whose  mind, spirit, and desire for lifelong learning remain vital and active.

I need to re-iterate that I have the time now, free of work stress, perceived obligations, and the need to be social, and liberated by unlimited  free time, to truly appreciate all the beauty and good in the world, and to prioritize seeking beauty, wonder, and mystery through my camera, and by continuing to read extensively and write, enabling me to stretch my mind and intellect rather than let them wilt on the vine. Everything becomes a lesson of some sort, and for a reason.