Entry 111: Blender in Much Ado About Nothing

I’m really glad Shakespeare work starts tonight. They ease me in, really. All rehearsal tonight and Thursday, but only the last hour tomorrow, and that’s it for the week. Granted, there is a lot of work to do (memorizing) but even just the little Jump Start to my mental health will be positive.

And on a day like today, I can tell pretty clearly. Today, work wise, is not as insane as many Tuesdays. Instead of 200 plus hearings, I have 72. So that’s nice. But due to my absence on Friday and on paper busy day yesterday, I have 13 e-mails to return and 5 phone calls. And the phone calls are all either “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CHILD’S EDUCATION?!?” or “I’m a truck driver, so you’re going to dismiss this Speeding ticket, damn it!” And the e-mails aren’t that. Which is the real irony. If someone e-mailed me “WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M RESPONSIBLE FOR MY CHILD’S EDUCATION?!?” I would e-mail back with no problem. Because I can deliver that information. But they call because they don’t want information; they want to have an emotional tantrum and demand exemption from parenting. Meanwhile, the e-mails I actually need to review and return are things like, “I think we can come to an agreement on this. I just need you to send me information on the following six related cases, and all photographs and videos, and see if we can’t file a Motion for Rescinded Amendment. We’ll agree to the charge as amended, but it would work better for my client if the amendment were rescinded until the guilty plea was filed.” Shit like that. Which, obviously, is just… Magistrate Court is almost entirely pointless. Really. So everyone that touches it is of one extreme or the other. A person who never deals with the courts loses their fucking mind and acts like I’m their personal torturer in hell. Attorneys who deal with District Courts everywhere else, on the other hand, are wondering why I act like I’m busy when my docket doesn’t matter… so of course I have time to do the following 9 things.

UGH! I have to prepare a case and the math is… atrocious. Defendant was born in 1968. When his girlfriend broke up with him, he went nuts. Calling her 12 times a day, screaming, threatening her life, telling her to kill herself. He was arrested. As he has been in the jail, using phones that specifically say YOU ARE BEING RECORDED, he has continued. Sometimes up to 68 messages in a single day. That’s bad enough right there. But then I do some digging into the victim. Victim was born in 1994. 1994! That’s… a 26 year age difference.... that’s a 57 year old man dating a 31 year old woman! Makes me feel like I was wrong to dismiss the 27 year old who gave me her address immediately… almost. But it does make me consider, not for the first time, maybe I am being too.... discerning. Maybe I shouldn’t have standards and should just say yes to anything and everything. But even as I say that, I know I’m being disingenuous. I’ve had too many bad experiences to say “I’m okay having more because I’m sick of how things have been.” I’m not sure if I’ve ever even mentioned Scare-Bear here much before. That was back in college (reminder: I am living now in the area I did when I was in college).
She was NOT as bad as Aku and… I guess, bad in a different way from Hermia. A girl who essentially wanted to use me as free transportation while she considered if she wanted to be in a physical relationship with me… is the clearest way of describing it. After three or four rides, I called it off because… I’ve always been looking for something more substantial. And maybe that’s the problem? I don’t know. Just… this 57 year old freaking the fuck out on a 31 year old because she broke up with him has my head looping.
(Even worse- the more I dug into the Defendant? Convicted of multiple sexual assault charges. And this is exactly why, in my current headspace, this job is bad for me… because it’s not that hard for my brain to immediately jump on the track of “Hey, look- the multiple rapist is able to get a girlfriend! The fuck is your problem?!”)

As a part of self-reflection, I took time during lunch to examine why my mind is on this bent at present. Obvious first item is… I’ve finally actually had a date AND a second date from one of these damnable Apps and I was looking forward to seeing what, if anything, that could become. And it is looking less and less likely to become anything or go anywhere. So my mind is in a crash re-set on that issue. But it is honestly more. I mean… even more than the utter Brain Fry from 27 Year Old who is either a scammer or endangering herself and her child.... which, technically, neither of which are exactly green flags but go long enough without checking and I still get Vermillion and Chartreuse mixed up. And as sufficient as that is for a Flag Color Metaphor, it also happens to be factually true.

But the other element of it, genuinely, is… I think.... in terms of WHERE MY LIFE, where I wanted my life to be, and all of those similar things?
I desperately wanted to be an actor growing up. I dedicated years of my life to it. And though it took a long time to fold back into my life: I AM AN ACTOR AGAIN and living the life of someone who, sure I’m not getting paid for it, but I’m back spending time doing something that I love.
When I decided to go to Law School to be a Prosecutor.... it was in this very geographic area. And after fighting through all of the small towns, corrupt governments, shitty private firm issues, and everything else? I AM FINALLY A PROSECUTOR IN ONE OF THE 5 BIGGEST COUNTIES IN IOWA and working in the very office where I interviewed three separate times looking for a way in. Sure, it isn’t exactly what I thought it might be, but I’m doing the specific job I trained for and working in a location I put work into getting.
I am a homeowner, with my own house and garage and basement and guest rooms and backyard and everything. I’m not renting. I own. And while the house isn’t perfect and needs a lot of work in a multitude of ways: I am a homeowner… with a dog! That’s… really close to the final part of the LIFE PUZZLE that I was wanting, working towards, praying about!

And that’s the issue. While my marriage wasn’t healthy or positive in a lot of ways… the thing I was once “closest to achieving” is now the thing I don’t have. I had the house, the wife, and the dog… but none of the other stuff. I just… I really hope having the other stuff doesn’t mean that… I don’t get the parts that I lost back someday. I know working towards an image of a lifestyle you want is… questionable at best. But… it does honestly feel like… I’d been working towards a specific life. Active in the Community, Actor, Prosecutor… husband and father is what’s missing. So, while it is something kind of constantly nagging at my brain… it comes out a lot more in my writing for a lot of reasons. And likely will come out a lot in the next few weeks as I near my personal Sign Post in orbital rotation.

The rehearsal meant more to me than I anticipated it would. I mean… I’ve been in shows that I saw as movies when I was growing up.
I saw Rocky Horror… but being in the show wasn’t… transformative in that “I’M IN SOMETHING I GREW UP LOVING” moment.
I thoroughly enjoyed the movie Clue… and being in that show was amazing fun and solidified for me that I was well and truly back to Acting. But it wasn’t this near-magical moment of “I grew up adoring this and now I’m in it.”
I didn’t even feel that way doing Beauty and the Beast.

But I’m feeling it here. I remember weekends, with Dad and Mom watching the news in the living room, so I’d go up to their bedroom and turn on the old Zenith TV that Dad got from his grandmother and scan through the channels. And I was lucky enough to find this beautifully captured Italian Villa and hillside and this beautiful voice saying
“Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more
Men were deceivers ever
One foot at sea and one on shore
To one thing constant never
Then sigh not so
But let them go
And be you blithe and bonny
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into, hey, nonny, nonny”
And I watched the film and I fell madly in love with it. And I would watch it whenever it came on. And I bought it when I could. And I have loved this film since I was 10. And yes, the script is different. We aren’t even doing the “Sigh no more” song… but as we read through some of the heavy Benedick scenes? YES, I am going out of my way to make sure I’m doing it as ME not as a “Copy of Branagh”.... even a bad one. But the whole time, I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. I grew up loving this script and now I get to be a part of it!