A thought becomes a dream in Each Day

Things have been so normal. I go to work (the least normal part of my life, and the thing I need to change the most), I come home, M and I make dinner together, we eat, we watch shows, he reads, I do creative pursuits in the art room (lately I’ve been working on three stained glass pieces (finished two), hemmed several pairs of pants with my borrowed sewing machine, and this week I started a paint by number of a hummingbird that I will give to M. I also bought a bee for Red’s birthday, and a beautiful flower still life that I will give to mom when I go home). We have such a cultivated life, and now that my brain isn’t trying to kill me, I’m feeling like I won’t need Tina for much longer. Which is good because she wants to discharge me. Group is going well. I’m realizing there are so many of these DBT techniques that I already apply to my life. If it wasn’t for my job, my life would be perfect.

I’ve been thinking a LOT about home lately. My mom lives on a beautiful water front property in cottage country (it wasn’t quite cottage country when I was growing up, but those borders have changed over the years, and especially post-pandemic). My mom is in her 70’s and she’s talking about what to do with her living situation. She wants to move closer to her sister and my sister, I think she feels isolated, it’s just her and her best friend in my hometown now.

A few years ago my sister’s family sold their cottage property and it was heartbreaking for everyone. When you sell a property like those you lose that experience for future generations. You need to be a millionaire to buy into land in these areas these days. So both my sister and I keenly feel the stress of mom wanting to sell before she dies.

M and I have also been talking about our future. The idea has always been to hold tight, try to stay in our house. If we were to leave here and move back to our home province and have to buy a house, we’d be ruined financially.

I don’t know where this idea came from, but one day I was dreaming about possible futures, how to keep mom’s house in the family, how to get out of my miserable working situation, and considering M’s persistent worry about whether retirement will allow him to become a House Husband as he’s wanted to for ages.

I thought, moving in with mom - to take care of her - and getting a job at the municipal office of my hometown would be an absolute dream. Mom could stay in her house, she wouldn’t be alone, we’d be able to buy my sister out of her half of the house with the proceeds of the sale of our house, and M would be home with mom in the case of her health failing (heaven forbid).

When I suggested this to M, he was IMMEDIATELY on board. He loves my mom. He likes my mom more than his own mother. His concern was what my sister would think of this plan, since it assumes she’d be ok with not inheriting the property (but getting her share financially). So I asked her. She was encouraging. She did say that things may depend on what happens in the next 5 years (because who knows what life will throw at us), but I feel like that goes without saying. Any one of us could die tomorrow and all the plans we’ve dreamt up will be for nought. She also suggested that taking care of an elderly person is a lot more work than you can anticipate, but she suggested that we might be okay since we’re good communicators (unlike her and her husband). I think I’ve also cultivated a relationship of vulnerable honesty with mom over the last 5 years, so I hope that she and I can have realistic conversations about her care later in life.

I’m planning a trip home in August. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to not talk about it until then. I feel like its a conversation that should happen in person, but when I get excited about an idea I get impulsive. On the other hand, M retires in 6.5 years, so a lot can happen in that time.

I really need to find a new job.