I’m bundled up in a SDSU sweater, scarf and slipper socks. I love this cold(er) weather and I might be overcompensating.
The chill in the air is making me nostalgic for so much, though. Driving through wine country at home over Christmas break, blasting music and good conversation. Drinking coffee at West Commons on campus, writing a paper or article, but always listening to Ben Howard. Sitting in Upstart Crow with Patrick, drinking coffee and discussing literature.
I’m looking forward to re-doing these moments in the coming months, and I know I will have even better memories to add to the list this year.
But.
I really want Patrick back. Maybe not our relationship back – we certainly can’t go back to the way things were – but I’m not ready to let go of our friendship. Especially going into the holidays, I don’t want to experience my birthday, Christmas, holiday celebrations without him.
I’ve sent him some pretty angry text messages lately, because I’ve been pretty angry. I am pretty angry. I am very angry. Today, I deleted his number and deleted him off Facebook.
I doubt he’ll notice.
I just feel like this unraveled far too quickly – because he was too slow / too lazy to do anything and I was too bitter / too tired to save it. I know there’s nothing I can do, its better if I moved on, relationships end, these things happen, etc etc etc.
But.
That doesn’t make it easier.
That doesn’t make my feelings disappear.
(Actually, I have one feeling: anger)
It might be easier if I had someone else I was equally close to. My friendship with Shanti has mostly repaired, but it will never be like it was in high school. Everyone else here at State; I’m not that close to. Everyone has their person and I’ve lost mine, in the same swoop I lost my boyfriend (if I could ever really call him that).
All I want is someone I can drink coffee with on cold nights and then go home and drink whiskey together. I can’t keep sending Patrick mean text messages, but I keep thinking they will get a reaction out of him, get him to respond. Instead, he’s probably just too scared to bother (I’d be scared of an angry me).
I don’t know. I need a solution to this and I’m mad this hasn’t been already solved or that everyone keeps telling me “I’m sorry”, “it will get better”, “you need to move on”
I’m not Ben-and-Jerry’s-ice-cream-sad. I’m fucking ANGRY that he just gave up / lied to me / disrespected me and I’m not getting the ending I want. I’m angry no one is giving me the ending I want. But I guess I need to stop chasing after it.
But.
It’s getting colder and all my favorite memories of us are when it’s cold out.
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