Spin Cycle in Current Events

My therapist frustrated me during our last session. I told him about my porn addiction and he didn’t see the harm in it. He really challenged me on it. He has a lot of leftist brainwashing. Prostitutes are sex workers and trafficking yourself is valid work that doesn’t hurt anybody.

On Monday, I was fully conscious of the cycle. Yesterday I was intent on breaking it but I failed. I’m half Scorpio, of course I have an intense libido. I had to remind myself that I am a Capricorn yesterday, actually.

I keep thinking about Jonah. My brain is dangling him around like he would fix everything. I think my subconscious wants me to become interdependent with someone. I can’t even envision what that would look like.

I saw my childhood friend yesterday. I see him around often at my gym. Yesterday he was in the stall next to mine at the carwash. My reflex was to say hello but then I remembered how he goes out of his way to avoid me which makes me feel some type of way. We were close growing up. Spent a lot of time together. I visited his family at his reservation one summer. I think I know what his problem is but… what can you do? (He probably thinks I am going to throw myself on him.)

My coordinator, Andy, is like a brother to me. I haven’t had a male friend in decades. Let alone one that is heteronormative. I find old habits in me from my situationship with Roarke. That is a long embarrassing story that is locked away on OpenDiary. Andy and I spend 40 hours a week together. It is only natural that we bonded. He keeps crossing my mind also. I’m a Capricorn, of course my love language is to build a lot of structure around them. When he tells me that he has a problem, I am inclined to try and solve it.

I slept in today. I was up late because of my doom scrolling. I’m just waking up and I am waiting to see what my mood is. I didn’t achieve anything that I wanted to achieve yesterday but I am telling myself that it is okay. My brain needs rest days too. I was feeling nostalgic so I put on Ancient Aliens and then assembled my new dresser. Then I started some spring cleaning. This is basically playtime for me. Ancient Aliens is just background noise that helps me think and wonder. It’s something I used to always have on in the background when I cleaned the house, way back when I last felt in control of my life. Nostalgia is just a time when you knew your place.

My morning feels gone. I wanted to go to the gym but… I’ll live. I need to restructure what I do there anyway. I need to do some meal prep before my shift today. On Monday, to console myself for letting myself down, I wrote a comprehensive checklist of everything that I need to do. My ADHD settings are All or Nothing and Now or Never. I will force myself to pace myself. I need to plan my meals, prepare my meals, and set up my food journal for my dietician. It feels too tasky so it triggers Task Paralysis. That deadline is right now.

I have been forcing myself back into the kitchen. Every night used to be a big production in there. I lost my passion for it. I need to find it again. I’m the proud owner of 7 lbs that I gained back so that’s a bit of a motivator.

My life is so boring right now. It’s a nice change of pace. I don’t think I know how to be okay. I have been in survival mode since 2018. Even more so before then but that was on my own accord. If only I knew that I had ADHD. If we named it I could have tamed it. I feel so jaded whenever I think about it. Things got spooky at work and still are. We don’t know what is happening at the top. We’re all going through the trauma together, at the office.

Andy just sent a text letting us know that he is taking a wellness day today. I’ll be lonely at the office but I guess that is okay. I am looking forward to seeing the kids this evening. Saturday was special. I enjoyed that one. We are having them break in their bundles and lead ceremony.

Anyway, I should move on with it then.