Entry 89: Straight Dive in Much Ado About Nothing

Last night, I did everything I set out to do… or set out on paper to do. The “catch up on Prosebox” or do any reading at all didn’t get done. But… had a decent night over all. Nala to the Dog Park, did the dishes, prepared some meals, wrote a grocery list, filmed new TikToks, worked on memorizing my monologue for Saturday, texted a bit more with Laura. Overall: Decent.

This morning, as soon as I got to work it was go go go. Immediately set about working on my docket prep for today. With 88 individual people and 184 hearings set, I wanted to make sure I had everything covered! I actually got done with all of that around 11, and spent the time between then and lunch to get a jump start on tomorrow. Another too busy Wednesday with over 50 Pretrial Conferences set for the afternoon. But we’ll get through it. It just… there is a reason why, consistently, after the 3:00 hour each day, I’m mostly dead or pretty much useless. Running an entire docket (multiple) solo takes a lot out of a person!! Tonight, I’m limiting my activity for catch up. Grocery Store, Meal Prep, Dishes and the rest is optional. I haven’t texted Laura yet today and I should/want to do that. This is one of those.... odd… “I’m not sure what/how” periods. We don’t live close enough and our schedules aren’t exactly conducive to Once A Week Dates, but we aren’t exactly to a relationship point requiring or expecting Good Morning/Good Night texts. So, navigating that still. And we’ll see what today’s news cycle does as far as TikTok… apparently Hegseth is saying the whole Atlantic Story is a hoax ginned up by a “desperate, flagging editor”. Which means that’s the White House Official Story since Trump said that he had no idea what was going on but took the time to slam the writer and magazine. So, again, not surprisingly the tactic is “Deny, Attack, Throw a Tantrum” despite the fact that the whole fiasco has been credibly confirmed as authentic. Some interesting news coming out of Japan today, but nothing gripping or particularly important. So, we’ll have to see if I do a TikTok tonight or not. If nothing else, I could cover THIS story, I suppose. Also, we’ll have to see how the weather is and what the Light Situation is for after the grocery store on whether Nala gets Dog Park time. I know I’m setting us both up in that regard, sadly. She will get into the mindset that “Chris Home means Dog Park Time” and with Shakespeare starting soon… that is VERY much not the case. But that’s also why I want to make sure she’s getting the Dog Park Time owed to her! If she is going to soon return to “dog park rarity”, I want her to get as much access as I can give her now.

For some reason, every lunch period I forget to take my pill. Then I make the walk from my car to the office, and something in my foot will hurt and I’ll remember- I didn’t take my pill! Ugh! Luckily, this isn’t the kind of thing that I am on forever and just take until the pills are gone. And the pain is significantly reduced throughout so I’m doing better. It’s just… as a foot pain hits during lunch, that’s the “Oh, shit.” Reminder.

Afternoon court was BRUTAL. You know how we had 219 hearings scheduled for last week? We had 184 hearings scheduled for this week. But whereas last week, we probably only had 40 to 60% in attendance? Today we had 80% in attendance. And they were loud, and raucous, with zero respect for one another and zero regard for it being a Court Room. That was… both brutal and exhausting.
That said, I am hearing our Special Victims Prosecutor through the halls as I write this and… I’m definitely glad I’m not doing that. I mean… that was a hard enough docket in an area that WASN’T known for its violent crime! Add in the populace, the violence, the… everything… YIKES! She’s currently working a DV case that turned into a murder. Because we have so many murders here. And it is so… pathetically obvious from multiple perspectives! But it almost always comes back to… other people do not value others’ safety more than their own emotions. It is the thought process of “if I am angry, anything I do is acceptable because I am angry.” There is ZERO if I am angry, it is my responsibility to deal with that anger in a healthy or constructive way. NOPE! Just… straight to violence. And I repeatedly have people tell me “That’s what it should be! That’s what it is to be a man!” and then tell me that “toxic masculinity” doesn’t exist. Bitch, if “expressing your anger through violence” is a definition of masculinity for you- you’d best believe that’s toxic af! And honestly- I cannot and would not wish to handle all of that shit professionally. At least… not as I am. I do appreciate, understand, and believe that… were my life other than me and Nala? Maybe I’d have some stronger emotional resolve at work. I know this is strictly from the Land of Fantasy but… I think I’d be able to handle that kind of work if I could go home; kids were there excited to see me and happy that I’m home, after playing with/talking to/helping them, addressing my partner and connecting for a moment, deeply and emotionally with my partner… then maybe later being able to curl up and cuddle with them in some kind of relaxing haze...... that? I could handle the work. Coming home to Nala and the emptiness… I’d be a wreck. I honestly cannot do Special Victims especially in a hugely violent community if I were to face it solo. Which I’m not judging myself about. I think it is important to know that about myself.

I left work, went grocery shopping. Buying real food is expensive! Like… processed crap that wasn’t healthy for me? I could get by for a full week on less than $30. $60 if you add in alcohol. Buying fruits and vegetables and real things? WITH ZERO alcohol? Over $100! Shit is crazy.

Came home, grabbed Nala, hit the dog park. Stayed out there later than normal but there was a member of our Dog Park group that has been having severe medical issues; so I figured we’d leave when they did to make sure they got back to the car without falling. Then home for Chicken and Noodles w/peas and carrots. TikTok Video about the absolute horror of being destroyed by the stupidest people possible of destroying us. A small stilted text convo with Laura. And that’s the day.