Crisis Averted in Current Events

I managed to center myself after my previous entry. Spending time with my grandmother shopping helped do the trick. I needed space from my space, in the end. Then I went over my personal finances, set myself up with some goals, and then did my chores around the apartment. The whore must go on.

I kept thinking about Saturday’s program with our boys. We decided that we would let our boys break in their bundles and lead ceremonies. Something about sitting on that buffalo rug makes me feel some type of way. I wouldn’t be here today without them. We were so self-sufficient because of them that we would never ever need anything from the government. Thus, for public health, the government wiped out our buffalo. I don’t want to dwell on that. Just that relationship with them makes me feel like I need to honor them. In June I will be scraping buffalo hides and building a tipi with our participants. Not very Vegan of me. I’m in the middle of my last-ditch effort before I cave and quit veganism. I would only introduce buffalo to my diet twice a week. In May, my coordinator, our other mentor, and I will be building a sweat lodge with our Elder. He will teach us how to run a lodge. This is a big deal. I would love to be a knowledge keeper one day, a girl can dream.

Diego, the other mentor, brought his bundle. He graduated from Sundance. He had a lot to show and had a lot of stories to tell. It was very moving. Our coordinator was holding back tears. We also explained to our boys that what were doing was outlawed. We used to have to go deep into the woods to practice our culture. they are the seventh generation and it is believed that they will be the ones to break the generational trauma.

The boys wanted to sing a song. The Bear Song. We can’t sing that in winter! I said. It’s SPRING! They all reminded me at once. When did that happen? When my coordinator was cleaning out the youth director’s office, he found a book with all the songs written out. We decided that we would learn them with our boys. I have been dragging it out but I want to learn Anishinaabemowin. It would be so easy to practice it at work.

I set up our balcony. It may be too soon but I want a space where I can do a smudge. I want to walk this path to creator. Serve God and the truth. I’ll take home a drum and start learning the songs on my own. For myself. I want to walk this path. It is the only thing that feels right. That feels crystal clear.

I told my coordinator that I might take Tuesday off. I think I am feeling okay. I had a panic attack and it lingered for a few days. I might just take the day off but still go and take one of our participants out for a one-on-one. We have three that are iced out from group programs. They get violent. We will bring them back once we have our relationships established. They are who we are focusing on right now our one-on-ones. They’re not completely iced out, however. We take them to our private boxing lessons. They get to see their other brothers on those days.

I got an email from Jonah, from the shelter’s community walk that I backed out of last Tuesday. It was sent to all staff and volunteers asking for more volunteers to show up. I will go again on Tuesday, I just needed a familiar face to feel grounded. I am still a little embarrassed that I backed out at the last second. I made it into the shelter and everything and had the vest on. Jonah wasn’t there. Neither was Tara. I didn’t recognize anyone and they didn’t recognize me and acted all weird about it when I showed up so I left. It’s not exactly a leisurely walk, feeding the houseless. I wanted to feel safe, sue me.

Anyway, today is a hyperfocus day. I will be focusing on myself. I’m disrupting my regular Monday programming to hone it all in. I will still go to the gym, however. It is leg day… gross. On with it then. Oh! My roommate and I watched The White Lotus last night. Six episodes in and still nothing has happened. I’m so done with this show, I swear. Maybe two plots had some development but it wasn’t enough.