No Hard Feelings in Current Events

There were a lot of age jokes in the movie I watched last night. It triggered an existential crisis.

My age sunk in. I’m 39 and I have nothing to show for it. I look back and it’s just so much undiagnosed ADHD: every era, every saga, every chapter. My life would have taken a wildly different course if we were able to name it so we could tame it.

So much wasn’t my fault. I can give myself some grace there.

What stings harder is looking forward. There isn’t anything to look forward to. Like, what is the point of anything? That’s the vibe. I’m still picking up all the pieces and trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Haven’t had anything stable in my life for almost a decade and I’m just tired of fighting. Just be like everyone else already. Nobody’s content and happy. At least they think they know where they stand.

Before the midlife crisis, I was thinking about the fallen heroes at work who were ruthlessly terminated. They’re not like me. When they fall, someone is there to catch them. They all have partners. I never have anyone.

I’m just out of reach. I’m still human, I want to be understood. I don’t have anyone in my life who could. They’re all at the surface. I want to be where the people are. lol

This is a new wound. Another make-or-break moment. We know it won’t break me but damn. It’s gonna hurt.

I want to run away and start somewhere new. Fuck this little life. That’s just me externalizing my wish to go back and start over.

If I zoom out, I’m self-harming. These are just thoughts. I have a lot to offer myself. I will show up for myself. We shall see where this all takes me. It’s not unique. It’s a blessing in disguise. Just put on your Sunday best and tackle the day and stop being a big bloated bitch on Prosebox.