Emotional Constipation in Current Events

I’m not emotionally intelligent. Ignoring how I feel is the smart thing to do. That is the belief I had for most of my life. Emotions have mass. They take up space and metastasize when you don’t process them. The body keeps the score.

I’m feeling some type of way and my response is to put a name on it. Emotions aren’t words. I can only intellectualize so much. I learned the term Compassion Fatigue in the Psychological First Aid course I just took. It helped me put a name on what I am witnessing in my Coordinator. I feel like I need a dictionary for emotions so I can just slap a name on things because my own emotions confuse me. My brain is a problem-solver and will lead me to behaviors that are not in my best interest only because they feel good.

It’s not that deep bro. I know. I was homesick while not at the office the last two days. When my coordinator told me about his three-year plan at our organization, it made me imagine my fragile little world without him. That stung. My reflex is to avoid him. It also made me start to think about my future. This has been very hard to do because I have been in survival mode for the last seven years. I haven’t had any job security.

It is not my coordinator’s fault that I have job loss trauma. He made a joke, in our group chat, about getting our severance pay delivered. I spiraled harder than what was necessary. I had to call him. I almost needed a paper bag to help me catch my breath. With the shady things happening at the organization, I have been keeping it together for all of us. It all came undone in that moment.

The scene was embarrassing. We were wrapping up the PFA course. I had to step out and go outside. I needed PFA right then. He sent a pic in the group chat of two envelopes with our names on them. I was at the PFA course with our other mentor. As always, he failed to add any relevant context. He always does that. I asked about them, he made a harmless joke. They were bonuses. The panic attack continued regardless. I almost broke down and cried on my drive home. I laid in bed stunned for an hour before I could go run errands that I had been dragging out.

The course was long and full of terrors. I had our instructors taking notes, to be honest. I’m just glad that I get to go back to the office today. I think I will take a wellness day next week on Tuesday. I need a solid me-day. I got to hyperfocus on myself.

There was a part in the class where we had to select some cards that resonated with us. The instructor’s supervisor told me to keep mine. He really wanted me to have it.

Advice From A Tree
-Stan Tall And Proud
-Go Out ON A Limb
-Remember Your Roots
-Drink PLenty Of Water
-Be Content With Your Natural Beauty
-Enjoy The View

The next TikTok I saw was a man explaining how an apple tree doesn’t eat apples. A pair tree doesn’t eat pairs. It’s fruit is for someone else. Your talent is not for you. He used that analogy to explain why it is easier to help others, essentially.

Ok, I got up early enough so that I could go to the gym. I’m wasting my time journaling.