My relationship in Journal

To J is changing.
I am noticing a distinct lack of anger, bitterness, resentment, contempt, etc. I have an idea that I was so set on making it work that I would never allow resentment to build up. Because, as everyone knows, contempt is the guarantee of the end of respect, and therefore any productive relationship.
I noticed this in connection recently when people who I thought were friends and cared about me disowned me. They all just booted me from their lives the very moment I said that I was separated from J.
On one level it was like a punch to the gut. Oh, man did it hurt. But it was so cathartic, also. To know that I was being manipulated or manipulating myself in order to be around these jerks. And manipulating them, of course. Because they don’t actually care about me or my marriage or my kids, they were happy having me around as long as I checked all the boxes.
I recall this happening also in the beginning of my therapy. I still feel that wound; that man hurt me, and I barely if at all knew him. I just… Blindly trusted him and as it turned out he sabotaged my therapy and added a solid 3 years to my recovery. I wonder why he did it. I wonder if he has any concept of the damage he did. I wonder why I did it… Why did I contract with an untrustworthy saboteur?
Something about proving that virtue and earnest good will is a losing strategy. Something that supports and excuses my parents from their vicious and brutal parenting.

All in all, I feel neither obligation to J nor do I feel any expectation. Maybe that is where my anger stemmed from; the rank rejection of my expectation for reciprocity. I felt a deep obligation as my duty to J. I felt it strongly and I still do, as a strongly pair bonding mother. But he rejected any need for reciprocity. A one way deal cannot stand. A one legged stool without the support of the users own legs will always be completely useless.