Aly & Fatigue in 2020s

Beginning to fear more and more that the days of going to bed without worrying whether I’d have enough energy to get through the next day are definitely a thing of the past. Today, I feel worse than yesterday. I started off okay, but within a few hours, the heavy fatigue set in. When I woke up, though, it felt like I hadn’t slept at all. I’m just as exhausted as before going to bed.

Maybe I really am that sensitive to the antihistamine spray, and maybe I wouldn’t feel so tired if I hadn’t taken it when I got up in the middle of the night to pee. I also took a full clonazepam before bed. The only positive is that it’s helping push my schedule forward faster, which will make it easier for my urologist appointment on the 28th.

I’m trying not to fall into the “what if” trap again, but I worry that the CPAP won’t help and that I have a stronger case of chronic fatigue than sleep apnea—in which case, my life really is over. I’m not even living. I’m just existing. Tomorrow, I’ll find out what I have to go through to get back on the CPAP. It’s just hard to keep a positive outlook and remind myself that I didn’t think I would get through the years of anxiety yet most of the anxiety is gone. The problem is that it’s one long-term problem after another for me. So if I ever do resolve this, it will just be on to something else. I just hope whatever that is won’t be so debilitating.

I also want to ask about the lung tightness spells I’ve been having. I looked back over the years since we’ve been in Florida and saw that I had one bad spell in 2021 and another in 2022. AI says it can take several years for asthma to worsen in a new environment. Well, I definitely found a disturbing trend—three bad spells in 2023 and five last year. Last year was when the back pain started along with it. Now I’m starting to wonder if this is more of a climate issue than a medication issue. Sometimes, I have coughing and congestion that I don’t remember having the first time the Levo made me tight.

I had a sad dream last night. Well, the dream itself was great—it was when I woke up that I was sad. It was one of the very few dreams I’ve had that I wish were real. I dreamed that Aly texted me to say she was alive again and back in Nebraska. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to catch up with her and fill her in on my life in Florida. I told her we were thinking of moving back out west to the desert, but in light of her being alive again, I said we were coming to Nebraska instead for sure—first chance we got! sighs sadly Oh, how I wish.