I Just Couldn't Not in Book 1

See, I did a thing once and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing beforehand. I didn't think it was. But I really wanted to do it. I was in the place a couple days before and I saw the thing and I'm like yeah I'm going to do it but family and friends were like no, you're not. It won't end well, we're not going to let you do this thing that you want to do. And so I carried on...

But it wouldn't leave my fucking head. I could see the thing. Just laying there through the whole weekend. Quiet, in the shade, all alone on the mountain whispering my name. That stupid fucking gnarly tree, just laying there. Begging me to top it. And God did I want to... It twisted its way through my brain for the whole weekend, calling my name like everything did when I knew I just had to fucking do something 

I just.. I just couldn't fucking let it go. 

So It was finally the last day that we were there and I knew everyone would be going to the hot springs before we headed back home. I too would go to the hot springs but I'd meet everybody there... Because I just can't let anything go. I was going for one last ride. 

And that morning was fucked. I couldn't find my helmet, no batteries for the Walkman. Yeah this was that long ago, I was using a Walkman. I couldn't find the key that would unlock the bike that would set me free. Once I straighten that all out, they set off to the hot springs and I on my bike.. Couldn't help but wonder what the hell was wrong with the chain on this bike. This was not as smooth ride...

Fuck it... I can't let it go, unable to not do this. So I kept going. Finally, the twisted darkened path through the mountain came to the top of the hill.. at the bottom was that fucking tree that I was definitely going to top today. A nice little feather in my cap that I could share with my riding partner back home..

So I go and start flying down this fucking hill in the middle of nowhere... the front tire of the bike makes it over no fucking problem because why would it be a problem? I was 17... Nothing was ever a problem for me. And now the back tire is over with no fucking....wait. no that wasn't right. I think it might have hit the tree.. Oh yeah, definitely. I am flying way too far in the air...

I think I hit the ground way too hard, pretty sure I landed on my fucking head and then onto my back. The dust settles and I'm awake which is good. I'm not fucking dead. Get up .. failed. Cannot move. 

Sensor check: Head, good. Face, good. Neck, fucking hurts but good. Arms, chest, no idea where they are. Cock, balls, legs and feet., No fucking idea. I can't feel shit. Suddenly the fact that I'm in the middle of nowhere is a problem because it'll be hours before Ill be found...

And I have been pinning myself to the wall ever since... The fact that my father is still guilt-ridden over the fact that he let me go alone, the fact that my mother is incapable of having any kind of emotional relationship with me because I'm already in too much pain or whatever the fuck she thinks. The fact that my brother rides alone now, snowboards alone now, plays hockey alone now, does anything physical on his own now. The fact that my sister has one less brother to go to for help for anything fucking practical. The fact that if they want me to come visit them they have to make their places accessible.. not to mention how this affected me. All the shit that I'll never be able to do... All the shit I was so close to doing... And all the things I've experienced since. All the pain, all the illness, all the exclusion, all the arrested development... All the missed moments, all the " sorry, I can't make it" at the last minute. Countless things, countless times that people don't understand.

It's all because I just couldn't let it fucking go... And people say it wasn't my fault but it was. I made a choice. One that I was prevented from making a day or two before... But I was stubborn and I was selfish and I didn't give a fuck. I was going to do what I wanted to do regardless of the consequences. Actually, there wasn't even that much thought, I didn't even think about the consequences. It was fun so I wanted to do it. 

I just couldn't let it go... And look what happened

We have all suffered and I don't know what to do with that anymore...