Entry 80: Random Statements in Much Ado About Nothing

First, I must share this “candid” of my dog from today because TikTok and Facebook have been silent about this and I think that’s unfair. Like… I genuinely walked up and saw her doing this, quick took the shot, and she stayed like that. This really reminds me of one of those Model Editorial Photo Shoots where the model’s limbs are wonky for artistic or editorial reasons.

Today, I just wanted to record random thoughts or words or ideas. But as ever, had I used my phone’s Dictaphone feature… this entry would have been better!

More and more, people are telling me to run for office. I’m pissed off enough, I’m knowledgeable enough, and between a LAW degree a RELIGIONS degree and over 20 years of acting… my credentials pretty much are “Ideal Candidate for Iowa” in several respects. But the honest truth of it? The genuine truth? ALL political analysts say especially in the MidWest a single man cannot run and expect to win. And the offensive summary of their response has the heavy weight of truth. IF YOU CANNOT CONVINCE A WOMAN TO CHOOSE YOU; HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CONVINCE AN ELECTORATE TO CHOOSE YOU? So.... there’s that.

I am deeply emotionally committed. If I am cast as Don John The Bastard for Much Ado About Nothing? I will do no less than 1 entire day doing the part as Keanu Reeves and I will intentionally fuck about with accents and characterization otherwise. If I am cast as Dogberry? It is either going to come across as a very drunk man or a very poor imitation of Michael Keaton’s performance in the same role. (Though, if the only role I get for the whole show is this judge? I’m going to be very upset!)

One of the most peculiar personal changes in me, I still can’t quite explain. Before dating/marrying Nancy, I was (to use the pejorative) considered a Nancy Boy. Quick to cry, heart on my sleeve, people thinking I was far too effeminate to be straight. But as the marriage continued- that all changed. I became more and more like the stoic, less expressive, more traditional man. And it is not difficult to understand how that happened. The more she rejected me because I wasn’t “what she wanted” but I was absolutely “who she married”, the more I tried to change myself to become what she was saying she wanted. You want a capable, stoic, hard working man? Done. You’re still rejecting me and denying me love, affection, sex, and kindness? What else do I need to change to make this marriage work?!
Because of that… it has been interesting, fun, surprising, and unfortunate to really find out and embrace who I am outside of that marriage. The me of my first 21 years of life didn’t disappear. No more, necessarily, than did the me of 21 to 35. It’s just wrapping all of whoever I am together.

The above was partially inspired by watching an episode of a TV show where a man suddenly became a father. Seeing this man go from “I’m not sure I’ll love them” to “These newborn infants just breathed air for the first time and I would die for them”… definitely got me all choked up, the whole tears welling under the bottom eyelid thing. Something that, normally, Nancy would have called out as silly. But as the marriage continued and her own DEEP depression continued to be begrudgingly NEVER taken care of… she would start in on that behavior as well, then loudly chastise herself for it.

And all of that reminded me of one of the many arguments Hermia and I had where Hermia was right; but still provided adequate and ample reason to end the relationship. Hermia was crying, I’m not sure if I’ve ever shared this story, but there was a conversation near the end where Hermia was crying and specifically said that she was sad and angry about the thought that she knew that if she ever told me that I couldn’t do theater so I could spend more time with her and her son, that she knew theater would win. And she was very upset over that information; because she wanted to be with a man for whom she and her child came first and he would drop everything for them. (Not that this statement would have been, at all, surprising to anyone reading it!) And frankly? First: Demanding that someone give up what matters to them so that you come first is the definition of selfish. Second: As I think about it even now, she is correct. I stopped acting for 15 years. I can’t ever get those years back. At my most Youthful but still Adult… at my most “Stunt-capable” and cutest… I wasn’t acting. Not that I would have been discovered necessarily, but now we’ll never know. What we do know is that I am passionately in love with the theater. I want and need to be involved with Acting. So that yes- if my partner said, “You have to quit acting entirely” I would tell her to fuck off and I would end things. And… in many ways… that is what happened with Hermia. Her “You wouldn’t quit acting for us, and it makes me sad” paired with trying to make me feel bad whenever I got into a show that she wasn’t in paired with everything else? I will always be sad that I hurt people. But I will not change my mind that such a relationship absolutely had to end!

I had my tax appointment today. Which is always mixed. Because it establishes some things. For a job in Public Service dealing with the psychotic, stupid, violent, and rude that requires “free weekend” hours and “unpaid overtime” whenever there is more work than hours in a day… BEFORE withholding, I make 75k… so, I always ask “Why does that sound way too high for what I make?” it is because after withholdings are taken out and taxes and benefits and everything? I actually make 60k. Take home. So I work for the government… providing a service to the public… holding an Advanced Degree and in a profession that requires I have a License to Practice that is reviewed YEARLY.... and my “effective tax rate” is TWENTY PERCENT. Then look to a company like Tesla… and their tax rate has been.... they haven’t had to pay taxes in the last 4 years. Which… considering the kind of bullshit Trump and Musk want to do and the type of bullshit they will have to do? I’m never terribly pleased with the idea that the Government gets 20% of my paycheck for things like Dismantling Trans Rights (Iowa), Jailing Librarians for permitting children to check out books (Iowa), or the literal billions in subsidies Tesla still receives (National). But remember… it’s all going to be okay. The Trump Tax Plan expressly raises the taxes on every demographic except the top “earners” who get a tax cut. SO… when people making under $150k are paying 25 to 30% of their pay on taxes, and the REST of their pay on Tariffs… it’s important to know that people like Peter Thiel got a significant reduction in taxes including tax cuts to Capital Gains and Estate Tax. The only time wealth should go to people who weren’t born wealthy is when it is inheritance money, right?

Lastly- my desire for deep personal connection and my desire for intense physical connection are both spiking today in ways I’m not exactly thrilled about.