Bullets 1 in Leah's NICU Journey

I think I’m going to start a ‘bullet list’ type of entry and just throw down thoughts as I go, posting once I get a few recorded. How does that sound. Good? Good. :)

-One of the hardest parts about life in the NICU is that I don’t get to hold her very often. Especially now that her bilirubin levels (something normally removed by the liver but accumulates in preemie babies due to their immature livers) is so high and she’s on the glow blanket 24/7, it’s even more difficult. I really miss that and Rob has only held her once as of Monday afternoon. That’s tough. I think we’re both struggling with that as any time we do get to touch or hold her we both get so lost in it and fall for her so much more and both bond SO much more with the more we can touch her. But she won’t be here forever and we have to remember that. We’ll likely be bringing home a tiny 4 or 5 lb baby in a few weeks so we’ll still get plenty of itty bitty teeny tiny baby snuggles in when she isn’t attached to wires or cords and when no one comes in to say our time is up. :)
-Being home with Claire on Sunday afternoon/evening was hard. She knew I smelled different and wanted to play and I just don’t have time. I’m either pumping, cleaning up my pump supplies, responding to a message from someone, trying to drink drink drink water so I can make more milk, eating, sleeping (ha - as if!) and I just don’t have time for anything but doing anything and everything I can for Leah, which also means doing as much as I can for my own homeostasis (eat. drink. sleep. pump. repeat.) It’s easier being back here at the hospital where those things are all that I can do and I just have to leave all of the home guilt at home. Rob will take care of the bills and the laundry and walking the dog and getting the nursery pulled together and I will work on bringing us home a healthy, strong, bigger-than-3-pounds daughter. That is my job. But it doesn’t make it any easier when Claire sat and pouted and looked so dejected and hurt and confused and sad. It won’t be forever, I know…but what a smack upside the head of a life change for her. She could not see this coming and is totally thrown by it. Thankfully I think her memory is pretty short so hopefully when we get back home all together in a few weeks I can spend a little time playing with her and talking with her and calming her anxieties. She was glued to me from the instant I got home at 7 PM until I left this morning at 11 AM. She slept on top of me and laid on the shower mat while I showered and stared at me while I ate and pumped and packed. She misses her mama but unfortunately that’s going to be the status quo for a little while. Letting go of the guilt about that is a struggle but I have a feeling a lot of parenthood is juggling which things you’re most guilty about all the time.
-I’m amazed, for the record, how good I feel having not gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in four days. It’ll be weeks before I get more than that given my required pumping schedule and need to feed my little peanut but somehow I feel decent. Showering seems to be a key element of it and as long as I keep doing my ‘activities of daily living’ like changing my clothes and washing my hair and brushing my teeth, I feel more human than I thought I might.
-Rob has been sensational. He’s picked up this new role of “do all the things while Kelsey takes care of pumping and helping Leah” and ran with it. Building things, putting together the entire nursery that we weren’t done with, taking care of Claire, buying toilet paper and groceries, paying bills, coming to visit me, bringing me meals at the hospital, working, being awesome. I can’t say enough how wonderful he’s been. And we’re very patient and calm and respectful of each other. I think we know we’re both in this together, we both really love Leah, we both were thrown by how fast this happened and we’re a team. No question about that. He doesn’t resent that I won’t be home for weeks on end and aren’t able to help at all with any of our normal household duties and I appreciate that. If I felt guilt from him because of how much he has taken on or how much I’m not able to help anymore, I think I’d be struggling much more. But I don’t and he is thankful for all the sacrifices I’m making and it’s made our world so much calmer and quieter. I am endlessly thankful to him for getting it and for understanding that I need to be here with her right now.

Ok, posting this…more later, I hope!