Ran Off the Road, Exhausted, and Unable to Breathe in 2020s

Once again I thought it pointless to have old journals visible when I have my bio here. If anyone does want to read stuff from before this decade, the link is on my profile.

Where I felt great yesterday, today I feel like shit. When am I going to learn that my body can’t handle melatonin? Not even children’s doses. It just leaves me feeling groggy and hungover the next day. To make matters worse, I’m having one of those tight lung spells. It’s getting a little better, but my chest and back ached as well—especially my back. I saw that my weight was down another pound, so I’m assuming it’s tied to my medication, which is why I skipped it again today. I really wish I knew for sure what it was, because the key to hopefully doing something about a problem is knowing what the hell is causing it in the first place.

I truly believe that both my nasal valve and sleep apnea are messing with my sleep. The pulmonologist appointment is finally right around the corner on Monday. I really hope he’ll let me do another in-home test, but I’m prepared to go to the sleep lab if necessary.

It would be nice to know what the hell happened to Tom yesterday. We went to Publix before sunrise. On the way back, we were getting close to our place when he signaled to turn into the left lane. Before it could even register long enough for me to ask why he was signaling and moving over again when he was already all the way over, bam! He slammed into the curb and skidded along the median for several seconds. I was worried he was going to plow into the little trees in the center or, worse, get sideswiped on my side by another vehicle. The other drivers around us must have thought he was drunk. I thought maybe the windows were too dirty, but he was saying something about losing focus and then cataracts. Although shaken up, the car seems to be okay.

I crashed in the early afternoon, and when I first woke up, Tom was in bed, and I was feeling like shit. He got up later, and when I asked if everything was okay, he said he was stressed out and was researching his problem. That was all he’d say. By then, I was back in bed half-dosing for a few hours. When I woke up again, he was back in bed. He didn’t email me any updates, so I’ll have to wait until he gets up to see if he has any ideas. Could be his essential tremor, which is a neurological disorder, and one of the suggestions when I do a quick check.

I really worry sometimes that even if we could afford to move someday, we just won’t be healthy enough—if I’m even alive. Yesterday I felt great, but today sucks. So sick of this back-and-forth shit! Today’s one of those days I wish a hole would open up and swallow me up. Yeah, I’m ready for the next life, if there is one. It would be nice to be a bird so I could have fun flying and traveling at no cost, and shitting on people’s heads at random.

I dreamed I was visiting my Canadian buddy—at least I think that’s where I was. We entered a café, and he was excited because something was now on the menu that they had talked about adding, and he was really looking forward to it. I worried for a minute that I didn’t have enough to pay for my own lunch, but when I looked in my purse, I saw two fives and a handful of ones and realized I would be okay.

Finally, an awesome update from VZ! The radio stations used to be classic, EDM, and pop, but now they’ve added decades, genres, and intensity. 🙂 Next, I wish they’d tweak the ambient setting so the particles don’t look like snow flurries and make it so we don’t have to pause the rides to access the radio.

There’s something called Holobox set to come out in a month, and I’m definitely interested, although it will be a while because it’s expensive. I think I want that more than any dolls. As it is, most of my collection is now retired to the closet. I’ll eventually sell most of it.

I didn’t know Netflix had games, but I discovered Too Hot to Handle 3, where you create characters and follow a written dialogue, and every now and then you get to choose what they do next. It’s okay so far. I thought there would be more to it than just mostly reading.