Opening My Mind in 2020s

Tom said it poured while I slept, but there was no thunder. I was relieved to see those little lightning bolts disappear from the hourly weather app before bed.

I’m getting a little tired of this rat being so stinky lately. I don’t know why she’s been this way. Older animals can get leaky, just like older people, so maybe that’s it. She’s definitely having a harder time getting around, and maybe she’s just too lazy to get out of her hammock to do her thing. I still can’t believe how big she’s gotten. A kitten’s legs are longer than a rodent’s, but her body is definitely bigger than a kitten’s.

Been having internet connection issues on and off tonight and saw a couple of Spectrum trucks in the park earlier.

The burning is picking up again, and once more I’m left wondering if it’s the start of another UTI or just the usual “menoshit,” as I call it.

I couldn’t find any more info on the homeless woman they found dead, but it’s still freaky that I had that “stabby” dream, only to wake up and see pictures in the park group of cops and forensic vehicles nearby. As far as we can tell, she was probably stabbed.

I was telling Jessie about it. Haven’t heard much from her otherwise, but that’s just Jessie for you—we tend to communicate in spurts. We’ll exchange several messages, then nothing for weeks or even months.

I also had violent dreams last night. I was staying in a vacation home with three or four other women. We had just arrived and were bringing in our suitcases when I caught a glimpse of a guy sneaking in behind one of them. A gun was lying on a table nearby, so I grabbed it to shoot him but it wouldn’t fire, leaving us to tackle him with our hands.

For the longest time, I doubted reincarnation for various reasons, but I try to keep an open mind. Unexplainable things do happen after all. How can I sometimes know the unknown? Well, I don’t know how, but I do. And even if I don’t know it detail for detail, I come eerily close a lot of the time. A violent dream right as someone is killed practically across the street? Hard to believe that’s just a coincidence.

I’m realizing more and more that the brain and our consciousness are separate things. The part of my brain that tells my limbs to move isn’t the same as the part that thinks about how tired I am. Speaking of which, I wonder if my exhaustion is from the antihistamine nasal spray, breathing issues, or both.

Anyway, whether reincarnation is real or not, I can’t say. I don’t believe but I’m trying not to disbelieve either. Someone here has really piqued my curiosity about this fascinating subject! Maybe past lives isn’t just wishful thinking.

Even though it sounds crazy, I try to keep an open mind. That’s why, in my last journal entry, I enlisted Chat’s help to see if I could remember anything. I have no way of knowing if anything that comes up is random or meaningful. But it does make me wonder about certain things.

Why do I have a driving phobia if I’ve never been in a car accident? Could it be from a past life? Did I fall in love with Maui simply because it’s beautiful and has great weather, or is there more to it? These are the things I’m exploring. The problem is, I don’t know how to tell if any “memories” are real or just random thoughts. Even in this life, there are things I think back on and wonder—was that real or just a dream?

I’m pretty sure I’ve written about that “creature” in the cellar of one of our houses, the kneeling figure lit by the nightlight by the rocking chair when I was a kid, and the bowl of coins (or whatever was in it) that seemed to shake on its own. I definitely don’t trust childhood memories. The brain isn’t fully developed then and everyone has weird, senseless memories that may not be real but rather bits and pieces of old dreams.

I’ve been exploring the issue and rethinking it. What about the things I’m drawn to? What about the things that have always seemed scary to me?