Minimum wage going up, studying, life. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I turned down my promotion at work and then this morning, I look on Facebook and they went ahead and OK’d the idea to push minimum wage up to $8.50/hr!!!!! I couldn’t be more happy! I know that this means they will be getting people off the clock a lot sooner because my bosses are super greedy people but I think it’s so funny that they will have to pay us more! My boss has even said that the people in my department, “don’t get raises” since we get tips, he doesn’t believe in giving us raises even though tips have drastically decreased since school started and doesn’t even consider raises for people like me who have been there for over a year. I think it’s funny that his selfishness/greediness has finally bit him in the ass!!!

My manager is now having to close for me tonight and tomorrow because I turned down my promotion and said that her kids will probably have to be there tonight in case her boyfriend is able to watch them. I don’t feel bad at all for turning down my promotion but I do feel bad if her kids are going to have to come and hang out for 2 or 3 hours because I won’t close as a shift leader. Part of my issue is that when they decided to move me up, nobody sat me down and explained how the schedule was going to work, what my pay would be and that it would change depending on what I clock in as, and I don’t feel like I had any time at all to make a decision. I also don’t feel like I know everything I need to in order to be left alone to close yet. It feels like they just kinda threw me in there and didn’t care about the outcome!

It pisses me off that they are more worried about how this all affects them instead of understanding my point of view. I’m a single female and I have no one that helps me pay my bills so if I’m not making the same amount of money every week to stay afloat, I’m going to sink! It sucks that all I’ve wanted for months was to become a manager but it’s nothing like I thought it would be! I don’t know about other places, but at my job if you get promoted, it might be more money per hour but it’s more work and essentially less hours unless you work ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I’m not willing to do that as I like having my days off, I have to have time to study, time for my niece and just time for myself! I go crazy if I’m there too much and get burnt out until I’m ready to fucking quit! I know that I can’t be there all the time so it’s best for me to just stay where I’m at where I know I can financially be okay and comfortable with my position because as a shift leader, I just don’t think it’s for me. If we are really slow, you have to cut everyone and then you are stuck doing everything that didn’t get done earlier in the shift! So you are working twice or triple as much as you should all because we were busy enough to keep everyone! That’s bullshit!

I’ve been studying some today as i have a test on Friday morning. I’m really sick of failing tests so I’m going to study as much as I can and hopefully get at least a C. We had to get into groups today and this one girl that sat next to me got my number and maybe we can study together tomorrow and help each other out. She said that the shit’s hard and she’s failing every test like me so maybe we can get better grades by helping each other. She texted me and I asked if she was free tomorrow but she didn’t respond. I may see the tutor tomorrow, haven’t totally decided but I also need to see someone about registering for next semester classes and I only have until Friday to get that done. The one lady is never available after my classes and the other lady hasn’t called me back but I’d like to get that done so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

I managed to make an appointment for my teeth on December 1st so now all I have to do is pay my premium to the insurance company and I should be good to go. I’m hoping they aren’t going to charge much for out of pocket. I just want to get this done and know that my teeth are okay. I hate having to worry about my teeth.

Ever since I was sick with that stomach bug, I have a new appreciation for food and life in general. It’s crazy having to go a whole 24 hours without food or water and now, I just feel more appreciative of those things. I also feel more determined with everything, even studying so I get better grades.

My anxiety issues…I’m just not quite sure what to do. I can’t smoke weed because it’s illegal here, I refuse to do meds again because it makes everything worse, I don’t have enough of a social outlet to release my stress, so I’m kinda stuck. I’m feeling anxious right now because I’m scared of how work might go if my manager has to have her kids there because I won’t close and I’m also kinda worried because I told my friend (who’s a manager at another store) that I made out with that boy. I know that I’ve told her before but she had to forgotten and it worries me that if she says anything to anyone, I’m going to be super upset because it’s humiliating, and I don’t want everyone to know. I knew once I said it, I wish I wouldn’t have too. It’s hard for me to be very private because I feel so isolated as it is that I want to be able to share things with people but I want to be able to feel that they will keep it to themselves. I just hate feeling like I really don’t have anyone I can confide in. It sucks horribly to feel like this.

I’m hoping for a good night at work. That boy that I made out with…everyday just has to feel the need to say hi when I would be totally okay without us speaking and just being quiet and awkward. I am okay with us not talking to each other because we really don’t have to and I’d rather just forget about him. It seriously pisses me off that he says hi because it’s uncomfortable and because I’m pissed that he kissed me and wanted to have sex knowing he has a girlfriend and a kid at home. Um, no dude. That is so selfish and fucked up. I’m so fucking glad that I didn’t let it go further than what it did or else it would be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy more uncomfortable and awkward than it already is. Kudos to me. I miss having sex but I won’t give it up to just anyone and especially not with someone I work with that just fucks everyone possible and could have who knows how many diseases. That’s disgusting and I’m not going to put myself in that vulnerable position to have something like that happen to me. I know that most people don’t have a lot of self control when it comes to sex but I’m just too scared of something bad happening that it’s all I can think about when someone is trying to sleep with me, especially when it’s someone that I’m not dating. I just don’t feel comfortable with the whole have sex once and never speak again scenario.

I feel kinda tired right now. I took a bath so I could soak in epsom salt and shave my legs and now I feel like I’m ready for a nap. I have to leave in about an hour though. I’m gonna see about maybe working Friday during the day for a few hours to make up for the hours I missed on Monday night. I really wish that we would start to get more busy so I wouldn’t have to worry as much about my hours but it is what it is for now.

So I have a friend on Facebook that decided to call it quits with her man. They were supposed to get married last month but didn’t because she has a shit load of medical bills that she wants to pay before tying the knot. She announced their breakup and he had said something about not being able to give her everything she deserves and I asked him what exactly that meant and he said that it’s personal what’s gone on between them and blah blah blah but I just wanted to know because that’s what my ex said to me and I want a better understand to what that means. I think it’s when a man is giving up and doesn’t want to just say that he got tired and doesn’t want to feel guilty about it. It’s easier for them to say that you deserve better because they can’t/won’t give it to you so they want to give up and walk away.

I remember my ex sitting on my couch telling me the same thing when we broke up August of 2013. He said that I deserved so much better and it was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever heard. All I wanted was to be with him for the rest of my life so for him to say that I deserved better made me feel like he was giving up and didn’t want to try to give me what I wanted. He never did honestly. He made hardly any effort at all and I did deserve better but I couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t able to give it to me. I understand now that he just didn’t have it in him. He has a lot of issues that he hasn’t faced that have nothing to do with me and I tried so hard to be patient and understanding when the whole time, he wasn’t trying to deal with his issues or be the man I needed him to be. He just enjoyed having someone who wouldn’t give up on him, no matter how badly I should have. I remember being so in love but just exhausted and even when things started to fall apart, I knew I would be better off without him around to tear me down and make me feel like I would never be able to do or say the right thing. I knew that we would be where we are now. Not talking and won’t ever again. I honestly believe the only reason I think I miss him is just because no one else has come along to fill that void and I think about him just because it’s something to hold on to. I’m still holding on when he’s let go. It just makes me so mad at myself. I know that he could have done more for me than what he did but he didn’t because he was fucking selfish and didn’t give a fuck about me. The way people treat you is directly related to how they feel about you. If they make you feel like they don’t care, they don’t.

It’s like as much as I want a relationship, I’m also comfortable not having one too. It just seems like now days relationships are just more of a headache and unneeded stress that I can do without. I know that if the right guy came along, I would probably change my opinion real quick but for now, I’m okay. I’d love to have someone to spend my time with and be excited about seeing but it’ll come along when it’s supposed to. I hate being upset about being lonely because it’s a waste of time. I want to have a relationship but I don’t want any more relationships that are unhealthy and the vast majority of my day is spent worrying about that person being pissed at me or having to be angry or upset all the time again. Most everybody that I know that’s in a relationship spend most of their time fighting and being pissed at each other which I feel is just a waste of time. Either get along or break up. I know that it’s not that easy but I think if you are with the right person, it should be.

As far as my loneliness goes, I know that I’m always going to have those vulnerable moments/days where I wish I had someone to share my life with and help me make decisions but then I have to remember that someone will probably come along when I least expect and in the meantime I need to just live my life and just do the best I can. Sitting around being upset about shit I can’t change is a waste of my time. It does bother me that I know a lot of people who are just evil or horrible human beings have someone and I don’t. Then I just have to convince myself that God is still writing my love story and for me to just be patient. I’m also not in a big rush either. I wouldn’t mind having a boyfriend but I’m not in a hurry to get pregnant, get married or even move in together. I want to find someone who wants to take things slow like I do.

I’m also annoyed at how fast men want things to go. I don’t know why things need to move so fast but for me, it’s not happening. I’ve been used/betrayed/fucked over and now I just want someone I can become friends with and then if there’s feelings, we can explore that but I’m not in any hurry to move someone into my house, or have sex, especially unprotected or rush anything at all. It’s crazy how many dudes I’ve talked to off of CL that just so desperately want to rush these things!!!! Like, um no!!!! Like, what is so wrong with just going to a movie, dinner, or even going out for a drink before having sex with someone?!?!?!?!? I’m just so disgusted with this shit and it’s another reason why I’m okay being single. I just don’t get why men are wanting to rush everything! Seriously, I love sex as much as the next person but I wanna know that we have a mental/emotional connection and we really care about each other because then sex is better because then I for one am more comfortable and it actually means something.

Anyways, I still need to make an appointment for counseling. I have a thing from my school to get 3 free counseling sessions and it’s to a place that I’ve received counseling in the past so I’m pretty excited for that. I just need someone to talk to that can help me make peace with my past relationships and how to keep moving forward. I know that compared to where I was a year, mentally/physically/emotionally/financially I’m in a better place and I am so appreciative and grateful that. I know if someone told me I’d be where I’m at a year ago, I would have died laughing. It was difficult to look outside the box and imagine that I could be in a good place.

I have to leave for work soon. I drank way too much water and my stomach is bubbling. I’m scared I’m going to either throw up or shit myself. OMG I really hope I’m going to be okay. I am not feeling this shit at all. My stomach is gurgling and bubbling. I knew I drank too much water…fuck.

Anyways…time to go work.