Entry 68: An honest thought in Much Ado About Nothing

Considering what this current moment is, I have not sought mental health assistance. After all, my State is trying to make my hobby into a felony. My State is trying to make it a crime to give vaccines to people who want them. My Country is going 180 degrees from “freedom, liberty, and fidelity” to “oppression, fealty, and betrayal” when it comes to the American Citizens and the International World. My job is dealing with those who commit crimes and have crimes committed against them. And my social life? When I’m not in a show, my social life is my dog and whomever shows up at the Dog Park. My dating life is… non-existent. Not even on life support, just dead. Which somewhat makes me feel bad because… I’m the reason I don’t have Nancy or Hermia around anymore. I was the person that decided I didn’t want to continue a relationship that was hardly more than roommates. I was the person that decided I didn’t want to continue a relationship that was largely serving instead of relationship. So, my dating life is non-existent and it is my fault (at least in large part).

Feeling anxiety and fighting hopelessness isn’t necessarily unusual or out of the ordinary. These thoughts and feelings are… normal, natural for how things are going in the world.

So, I sometimes wonder if I should go back into therapy. Trying to find ways to cope. But… this isn’t “coping with unique or personal issues” these are the expected and normal emotional responses for what is going on generally and specifically. So… would seeking therapy make much difference? Would it mean anything? Is there a “coping mechanism” for Societal Collapse? Are there breathing exercises for when a State government targets you and your colleagues? Like… I get that I need to cope and survive but… I don’t know. I’m thinking “regular exercise” is my go to here as opposed to seeking therapy as “regular exercise” is needed for me, less expensive, and eats less of my time. Also is more likely to possibly expand my social life in some form. I think “sitting alone and speaking more” about this shit isn’t in my best interest. But.... this is definitely impacting my everyday. This is impacting my emotional and mental health most assuredly. And… that impacts my physical health.

The above feels especially true when I have evenings like this. No engagement on TikTok. No engagement from Internet Social Spaces which… I mean, that’s fine. It’s a bloody Monday- people are tired and have lives to live. But that’s just the thing.... I don’t actually feel like I’ve got a life to live.

I’ve made my decision on Lent but I don’t think I’ll “announce it” or tell anyone until it is over. The idea isn’t to be celebrated or noticed for doing it; it is to bring our minds and understandings more in line with our spiritual journey to prepare our hearts for the celebration of Easter. So… afterwards, I’ll note whether I was successful, a failure, or somewhere in between.

Meanwhile… I have… an interesting and unfortunate looking lump under my left armpit. So, I’m guessing that it is lymph nodes since everybody in the Courthouse is sick right now.