Are you there? in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay

Are you there God? It’s me again. I feel so alone and afraid. I’m unworthy I know. It’s clear I don’t deserve a miracle. All the times I’ve prayed and begged for help… You didn’t save Yuki. He was innocent. And now, yet again, I’m the one who needs saving. I will never be as innocent as my sweet dead child so why should I even consider asking for a miracle when he didn’t get one? But I just can’t do it anymore. Alone. I dont know what to do next. I feel so defeated. I asked for an angel once. A sign. And when you sent him to me I struck him down. So what right do I have to ask again? I trust only in your great mercy and live of your people. Please guide me. Send me someone to protect and love me. A partner to treat me well and care for me or else an amazing opportunity that allows me to care for myself and my family. I’m not so desperate for a partner. None of the options ever measure up to that angel you sent. I am not so alone that I can’t work hard and provide if the right path is opened to me. I’m just not sure I see a path worthy of pursuit. I’m so tired God. I’m so afraid. Please, be with me and comfort me. Guide me into your light and make all the pieces fit so I can find my place in this world. I need not be wealthy, only secure. I need not be exuberant, only content. Please, be my father and guide me to a path that will allow me to live well. Set me free from this constant fear and struggle to survive. Give me a clear purpose to pursue with a passion. I’m not unwilling to work hard. If only I know where to begin to get to that place where I am no longer fighting for my life with every breath. I’m sitting on my couch, doing nothing, and yet still I feel the overwhelming weight of responsibility crushing me. It’s said you will never give me more than I can handle so please show me how to handle this. I don’t like the woman in the mirror, I don’t know who she is. I don’t see me there. Where did the time go? How did I become this? I’ve tried so hard to become a better person, but being a better person doesn’t pay the bills. It doesn’t put food on the table and clothes on my child. It doesn’t fill the gaping itching hole in my soul where my purpose should be. It doesn’t give me the strength to stand and act. And with so few people in my life it does not even benefit others to become a good person. All of this hard work, what has it accomplished? Have I grown? Or simply dipped myself in gold, patted me on the head, and called myself a good person?

I’m sorry. I miss my angel so much. He made anything seem possible. With his reassurance I felt I could be strong enough to make a difference and accomplish things. I know he’s gone now. I just wish I could take it all back and have him back again. Just to smile at me and hug me and tell me to keep trying, never give up. I’m just so tired of fighting. God, please send help.