Not a Happy 59th in 2020s

The liver test seems to have disappeared altogether, but my thyroid antibodies are at 135 when they should be under 9. So, the attack is still going on. I’ll have to ask Rhonda if this would stop with a thyroidectomy.

Anyway, it’s not a very happy 59th birthday at all so far. I’m not quite as breathless, likely caused by the medication. This is the second time I’ve had lung tightness, cut back on the meds, and found it helped my lungs. The only thing that doesn’t make sense is why now? Yes, it is a side effect, and I’ve had it before, but why so many years since I’ve experienced it? Right now, this is the only thing I can think of because it’s out of character for me to be anxious this way, but I suppose anything is possible.

A part of me resents Tom because he’s the only reason I keep going, and I feel like him not wanting me to die is basically asking me to suffer, because I truly believe there’s no coming back from this. I lost my health a decade ago, and I’m just not getting it back. I’d love to think a little nose tweaking and CPAP adjustment would help me tremendously, but even if it did, am I really to believe there wouldn’t be something else to replace it?

I see Rhonda in 5 days, and I worry she won’t be able to help much, especially with our hands tied until the 1st. I’d feel a whole lot better if I knew this could be resolved within a week or so, but you’re talking months! I slept shitty as fuck again last night, suffocating awake because of my nose, and I don’t see how I’m going to live with this for so many more months. I stopped the nasal sprays a couple of months ago yet it’s definitely getting worse, which makes me believe even more that it could be a valve or septum issue. It just doesn’t seem right for allergies, but if it is, we definitely need to get out of here since no allergy medicine seems to help.

Sometimes I wonder if something else could be going on that we don’t know about, which wouldn’t surprise me, of course. I just wonder how many more months… or years… I’ll have to suffer.

Lately, I have times when even the breathing strips and the dilator combined don’t help. One of the times I woke up and went crying to Tom, who gave me a foot and back massage to help calm me, my fucking nose was nearly completely blocked. Oddly enough, though, when I woke up, my nose was almost crystal clear. I just wish I could get myself to breathe through my mouth, but it’s not easy when your tongue flops up against the roof of your mouth.

Other than Tom, it will be interesting to see who remembers and cares enough to wish me a happy birthday. Bet I can guess… Irene for sure and maybe Mitch, Toni, and Irma.

It’s been so cold here that the honker has had his lanai windows closed. There’s even a frost warning in effect this morning. Hope the lemon tree will be okay! There’s clover growing at the base of it so hopefully that will keep some moisture in the soil.

Either way, I just want my health and energy back! I’m so tired of being exhausted all the time! I just want to be happy, and healthy, and have the basic things in life like sleep and energy. I can’t help but wonder if I’m actively being cursed by any possible God or something else. And if so, why? Am I really that bad? Aly asked the same thing before she died. Yes, I’ve done some shitty things in life, and I have lived to regret them, but punishing me isn’t going to undo the things I’ve done wrong in life. Seriously, if my nose was suddenly fixed and I didn’t have sleep apnea because that either disappeared or was being taken care of, would there be something else to mess with my sleep? I swear, it’s like something doesn’t want me to get the sleep I need most of the time. I’ve had sleep issues all my life, but this last decade has been really bad. I just wonder how many years before it really catches up to me and gives me a stroke, heart attack, or kills me.

Desperate, I remembered the Witchcraft kit sitting on the closet shelf, and with AI’s guidance, I put together a spell and an intention to see if it would help. I asked AI what the best herbs and gemstones were for a sleep spell, and it gave me a list. I gathered everything I had in stock, and it said what I had was fine. I have amethyst, fluorite, clear quartz, and rose quartz.

It gave me a list of herbs, and again, I told it what I had. It told me how much of each one to place in the bowl I have the gems and herbs in (a pinch, a teaspoon, a tablespoon). So I have lavender, jasmine, chamomile, red rose petals, and a pinch of rosemary, mugwort, and yarrow.

It was great because I learned a lot more from AI than I could from the little booklet it came with, and it saved me time so I didn’t have to comb through a ton of websites. I was even able to ask if the fan I had along with the air cleaner would affect it, what the best placement for the bowl would be, how often to recharge it, etc. I smudged the mixture with sage.