Thinking Againg in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

I’ve been thinking about it a lot today. Too much maybe. But some “obvious truths” have come to light. I may have mentioned them before; I may have had these revelations a number of times in the past few years… but that is one of the primary reasons I got into writing. Philosophical Riddle… or Buddhist Koan: If a thought crosses your mind; and you neither write it down, nor remember it… did that thought have value?

Anyway… a few interesting things
1) When honestly dealing with “reality” instead of “not reality”; Molly just really isn’t for me. Not like it was ever really a thing but… keeping a fantasy alive is foolish if even the most basic reality check proves that it is foolish. She is an extremist liberal politically who refuses to listen to others. She repeatedly invites me to parties for the Law School Democrats no matter how many times I say that I am a staunch Independent that passionately rebels against “Party Loyalty” because it too often turns into either “Party Religion” or “Party Blindness.” But every time there is a Law School Dems Party- I’m invited. That isn’t too bad, I suppose… party so invitation. But… yeah. The high energy Constant Talk Never Listen Dedication to Gossip… that is definitely something I’ve grown past. So… yeah. I’m over whatever that may have been in my head. Once I realized how I really wouldn’t want to spend more than a few hours at a time around her, she just… didn’t look as appealing.

2) That being said… things with the wife are “same as it ever was” so… I have to realize that and commit to something. I do feel like giving up… for a lot of reasons. But never them ever seem like enough. You know? I mean, look at my past. I’ve had girlfriends literally try to control everything I do; a girlfriend who went from Honor Roll to Girls Gone Wild; a girlfriend who broke up with me the instant people found out we were dating; a girlfriend who abused me, tortured me, and made my life hell; a girlfriend who was downright ashamed of me.... I mean… who am I to bail out on my marriage when my only complaint is “It doesn’t feel like she loves me or wants me anymore.” I mean… it has been almost 10 years since we first started dating… and she did move to a different state to be with me.... but … I also can’t simply ignore how I feel.

Case in point: So… I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff today because- hey- it’s me… I think constantly. I have an overwhelmingly difficult time understanding people who can just… turn that off. To this day, it is one of the reasons people think of me as a buzzkill at bars and dance clubs… because there is not a SINGLE millisecond where my brain isn’t processing. So… my day has been full of thoughts, full of work, full of adjusting to daylight savings time… you know, the usual. Get home late… like late late because we had the Judge who spends 5 to 10 minutes with each defendant… and it is Monday… the Monday after Halloween.... soooo.... yeah. When I got home, I saw that there was a phone call from my wife. Coolio. She wanted me to figure out if we should go out of our way to contact one of the cousins for a gift exchange we do this time of year. I gave it thought, played Destiny, watched Kaze no Stigma.

She came home and told me she had Tuesday off… sweet, we both have the day off. Less sweet… she isn’t registered to vote and doesn’t give a flying fuck. That is going to make it kind of awkward for if/when I run for public office as my dream is to hold or at least work for the office of County Attorney. Anyway.... she asked if I had gotten the message… I had, and I’d given it a lot of thought. I gave her my opinion… to send a quick message to him but make sure it wasn’t ambiguous as he has a lot on his plate right now. She told me what she was planning on writing and I said… “mmm, seems ambiguous. If you say ‘family gift exchange’ that could mean anything for him… he has 3 different family gift exchanges each year.” She… got mad. Like… very angry shouting at me mad. As I often do when she gets like this (which seems to be more and more lately)… I tried to get her to calm down and apply her thought processes as to why she leapt so quickly to fury.... is it that she was mad at me- which, then we should talk about why is she mad at me..... is it that she was mad that she was having trouble rephrasing to limit ambiguity- which, then just ask me for specifics or ideas.... or was it that she was still furious from work and taking it out on me- which, is totally unacceptable.

She got quite… didn’t really have an answer… and that was the majority of our interaction for the evening. I asked if she wanted me to cook dinner… she said no. Then nuked herself some quick-microwave chicken. Of course… not offering me any. Then I asked if she wanted to watch the Netflix movie we’d received in the mail, or something on the instant que or anything on TV. She had no opinion or response. Instead… she disappeared into her iPod games… for the next 4 hours. Yet… when I asked her if, tomorrow when I go work out, she wanted me to wait for her and go to the gym with her… she seemed happy and content with a “yes please.” That she wants to go to the gym with me. However… when I asked her for a hug (note, she hasn’t said “I love you” or kissed me or given me a hug at all today) when I asked for a hug she walked into the next room, sat in a chair, and just kind of lazily opened her arms.... like me wanting a hug is exhausting or time consuming or something. When I mentioned as much- her exact words: “Why do you have to be such a drama queen all the time?” To which I responded- “Well, when my wife won’t engage physically, won’t say I love you, and acts like living with me is a chore..” To which she jumped in saying, “Yeah… drama queen.” Gah!

But… that isn’t what I wanted to focus on. I refuse to quit this marriage without counseling. I know… I know… I’ve been trying to find a counselor for us for a while and it hasn’t worked out. But I’m going to keep trying… I can’t just quit… I have to make sure all possible avenues are exhausted first.