Tuesday December 3rd in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been a pretty busy day, even thought I didn’t make much money. The child support payment finally hit my account last night. I had to have checked a million times yesterday. I was able to put some money in the account for rent, get quarters for laundry, pay off my credit card bill, renew my Sam’s Club membership and still have some money leftover. I was really concerned about paying that credit card. It was only $26 but if you don’t pay, it’s going to hit your credit hard.

I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to work over Christmas break because my Mom has a different job with wonky hours and my boyfriend works all the time. I know the weather is going to get cold and stay that way and the roads will get scary.

While I was working today, I got a text that I had to fill out my paperwork to get that extra money in a couple of weeks. It was a really nice surprise because it’s going to help pay for Christmas and a couple of bills at the beginning of January. I think if I keep getting child support and that payment, I’ll be okay for this month but I am hoping that work gets busy again and be able to start paying bills, buying household stuff, and also have even a couple of extra hundred in the bank. I HATE not having any savings.

Before anyone comes for me about CS, my daughter is owed almost $15,000 and he goes YEARS without paying. I’ve been the one solely responsible for her since I found out I was pregnant. He doesn’t understand that my daughter benefits in some way every single time I pay a bill. I’ve always been the one to pay for EVERYTHING she’s ever needed or wanted and I’m also very good with money and not a single penny is ever spent unless it’s bills, gas, or household needs.

I grew up poor and I know how to save money, coupon, and make a budget for any amount of money I have. I know what it is to go without food, clothing, and basic essentials so I make sure that doesn’t happen.

My boyfriend is wanting a new bed and couch so we went again yesterday when he got off work to look around and we’re just not finding anything we like within our budget. I refuse to make payments on anything because he needs a new vehicle and at any point, I will too. We have enough expenses that I won’t take on more. Life is expensive as it is and it’s important to living within your means. I’m not one to extend financially and that’s why I have such good credit.

I have a load of laundry in the wash and I’m going to make dinner soon. I’m making steak sandwiches and I’ve already chopped the onions. I went to the store and got hoagie buns and cheese.

My daughter told me a couple of nights ago that she misses her Dad. Her real Dad. I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve been over and over it in my mind and I just can’t keep doing this. We just don’t get along and there’s been plenty of times where I’ve reached out and let him know she misses him and then it turns in to me keeping her from him and now he’s probably super pissed about CS that I think it would be best to let that sting subside before trying to communicate again.

I told my best friend this morning that I don’t feel right getting CS and him not seeing her but any and all contact is just an invite for him to start an argument. It’s emotionally exhausting and I just don’t feel he’s a safe person for my child. He can’t take care of her and he wants 50/50 even though he lives in a transitional housing spot where he can’t have her anyways. He just wants custody on paper so he could have her there and potentially lower CS, among getting on free housing and food stamps. I will not go along with that. Just a couple of months ago he was telling me that I was going to give him her social ‘whether I like it or not” and I know that if I did that, it would be a huge mistake. I don’t trust him to have that information because of a lot of reasons.

It was stupid of me to have anything to do with him at any time all these years. When I had just found out I was pregnant, he told me to have an abortion. That should been it right there. I have done nothing but take his abuse, lies, and threats for 8 years now and it has to end. I’m honestly terrified of us having a custody agreement because that means I’m stuck putting up with it. I feel like I’m never going to have any peace. I already don’t feel safe in my own home and scared every time I go outside because I worry he’s out there waiting to hurt me. He’s made so many threats over the years that I do believe he will act one day.

I go on TIk Tok and see so many women dealing with the exact same thing and it makes me sick to my stomach. It’s insane how many men are the same. I just want to know why it’s so fun to tear down the person you left to raise your offspring. Don’t help whatsoever but have plenty to say to hurt someone.