Im Scared in Walking with God, Courting, and Talking to Jay

Scared to hope. Is this God sending me a hand. The life rope I’ve been begging for? Or am I jumping to conclusions, wanting so desperately for a way out? Is this a test to see if I’ve learned better than to jump into things so quickly? Or the dream come true, the lifeline you are sending that I better not miss… again? I used to hear so clearly. I used to bo your voice with not a single doubt. When I was a child. I never questioned it. I knew. I miss that innocent certainty. That faith. Now I feel like I’m blindly reaching. Beeseaching. Is this the knight in shining armor that I’ve been so ashamed of asking for? My good little Christian boy? Is this my chance? My way out? Or another mistake waiting to happen.

I’ve been trying so hard and yet it’s never enough. How can I be so far from any goal when I’ve been working so hard towards them? I’ve felt so hopeless lately. And I’m so tired. So very tired of trying. Torture. It’s torture to keep going and yet I can’t stop. People are counting on me. I may not be good enough. I may not be able to do it. Any of it. But I’ll be damned if I can’t say in the end that I kept trying with ever grasping wheezy breath to be good enough. I’m so tired.

Im so tired.

I want to be done. God I want so badly to rest. But I have so far to go. I don’t even know where to start. My last therapist would have said the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Yet I still question what good is it to eat one at all?

Im so tired.

I don’t want to be a DID. Yet, I haven’t been able to save myself. Please God, please tell me this is what I’ve been waiting for. Please let me rest. I may not deserve a blessing, but I really need one right now. Please God please. Help me. I’m so tired. I can’t hold on much longer. Please help.