Grief in After OD

Grief is hard. I know there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but I feel like I’m failing.

I’m having trouble processing that my dad is actually gone. We went long stretches without seeing or hearing from him and that’s what this feels like. It’s like he’s away on a business trip or something. I can’t get it to sink in that he isn’t coming back. I will never see him or speak to him again, at least in this life. Why can’t I process this?

My brother I have been dealing with the estate. My dad left a mess. Literally and figuratively. We started cleaning out his house, have sold off his vehicles, and began opening his safe deposit boxes. The very first box was unusual, with cancelled checks from 1976, a few pieces of jewelry, my mom’s polio vaccine card, and a newspaper clipping from the year my brother was expelled from middle school for an incident with a gun. My brother and I were both baffled with the contents. Our dad was an odd person.

The second box held 1500 gold rings, and hundreds if not thousands of loose diamonds and gemstones. If you didn’t know him, you’d think the man was a jeweler. In actuality he was a precious metals recycler/dealer. He was also a bit of a hoarder. Instead of investing in an IRA or something along those lines, he liked putting his money into physical assets. Sure, inheriting jewelry and diamonds sounds great, but the truth is that it’s going to be so fucking difficult for us to manage. We have to have every item appraised so the state can take their cut. The cost of that alone is probably ridiculous. Then we have to figure out where to sell these items. Neither of us have a clue how to liquidate thousands of diamonds and gemstones, much less get the most we can out of them.

We still have 3 more boxes to open and while we have inklings of what could be in them, we really have no idea what we can expect.

I feel like the business of dealing with his estate doesn’t allow much time to deal with the grief. I’m too concerned about making sure bills are paid, liquidating his properties, appointments every week at the bank, lawyer, or realtors offices. Worrying that we’re missing information, assets, or deadlines. Wondering what will even be left when this is all over and debts, lawyer fees, and taxes are all paid.

I also believe I’m struggling to grieve because I’m angry. I am fucking pissed that he was so irresponsible to not set things up right for us. He could have made preparations and provisions for us to fulfill his final wishes. Since he didn’t have anything more than a basic will dividing everything 50/50 between my brother and I, everything is harder and will cost us more. He knew he needed to setup a trust, but he didn’t. He wanted us to keep his home and land, but he didn’t provide a way for us to do that. So we have to sell it off, and that breaks my heart. It’s not the monetary value that I’m concerned about, its having to give up a place that holds deep sentimental value.

I’m sad and angry. Every day I am hurting so much inside. I hate this situation. I hate that he is gone. I just hate it all.