um. *extremely vague* in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

I know i’m only presuming here. but a part of me’s like oh it’s so easy for them to care. but not me. it’s like I actually have to put effort. into caring doesn’t seem like they do. and I don’t even put effort into caring not really. I can’t even do that right now. a: bc i’m so depressed and 2: bc of what happened to me. so other people have to bc I don’t. care I mean. and then they take over or they say something eluding to the fact that they will. if I hadn’t been raped. i’d actually care a lot more and I wouldn’t’ve died almost 2 yrs. ago. [2 seperate occurances the SSA and the other thing]. I need time but I don’t know how much time they’ll give me. before they. take over. it wouldn’t be better if I knew it would just be different.
or maybe it’s that I won’t give myself time. or maybe both. I feel like i’m being rushed. but if I don’t rush this they’ll take over. maybe i’m wrong though. I don’t know but I don’t think I am. I can’t. do better all the time and be perfect. I can’t promise that. I feel like i’m not allowed to slip up.
I don’t want advice or anything I just want to be heard.