UGH JAKE, UGH in Second 1st

Jake told me that the ladies who protested have managed to cause an emergency hearing with the school board about bullying and change in the current policy. I’m considering the case closed and won’t think of it again if not prompted.

I blew up at Jake just before we went to sleep last night. I was so excited for him to regain his independence, having bought a better vehicle. Now.... I’m glad he can choose to do as he pleases BUT it only includes me if booty is involved..... I know that’s the whole point of how this all started and I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s just that it’s so hard.... shakes head

Yesterday, in our normal morning conversation, over the phone mind you.... Jake had gotten up long enough to tell me he loved me and “You are my world, my light, my sun, my universe.” (which is way more than I ever want to hear....and a lie) I’m talking about the “What are the plans today?” conversation we had over the phone around 9 when he got moving to take his mom to her appointment. Sex came up as a possibility. I gave him a rundown of what my day would look like and we figured we could fit it in before Rocky got home. All in all.... after earning $98 and having my last delivery close to home I decided to quit for the day. I came home, did dishes, had a gummy, took a shower and noticed he’d not left his mom’s house.

I had a conversation with Jake about making his own choices. That since he’s bought the car he’s only been here 3… 4 nights now… since the 11th.... in 15 days he’s slept here 4 times.... I will not make his choices for him and honestly that’s what the argument was about last night.

There is a mocking in his voice when he says think like “I need to get up earlier and work” “I need to do dishes when I get home.” I need help. I don’t need a child who needs constant reassurance. “I’ll cancel appointments after 2 so I can spend time with you.” “I’ll clear my calendar.” are not things I want to hear. I have made it as clear as I can. I do not want him to become anti-social on my account. He sends me his schedule 2 weeks out all the time and then changes and adds things without telling me. I’d like to assume he’s home if he doesn’t have something planned but that’s not how it works. If he doesn’t feel like going or thinks he will be late for something he moves it.... here is an example of how annoying it is. … Yesterday, when I was expecting him to be headed home I checked on him on Life360 and he was at Silver Grill.... a restaurant I’m sure he was taking his mother to for lunch. Then back to her place to do “chores” .... he technically still lives there but honestly seems like it depends on his mood or the day of the week.... he lives here when we make a grocery list or if it’s not “going to be too late, you’ll be asleep” as if the status of my sleep determines if he has bed here. Anyways, the example, sometime around 2:30 he told me his tire appointment was moved to 2-3 tomorrow.... I wasn’t aware he had an appointment at all.... also( according to the schedule he sent me) he’s having breakfast with his ex father in law this morning at 9.... then nothing till 5:30… so why not make the appointment for 11.... should be finished before your girlfriend gets out of work....

Cant’s think of things like this on his own.... making his own choices… as he should.... but then don’t expect me to feel “loved” or “special” .... apparently at our age he still needs to be told? .... .. I have been through this more than once in my life… in this case I’m taking it on as a option? Why am I doing this to myself? I know I’m worth far more than this.....

Starting a conversation last night ended in “I’m not a good boyfriend, I’m not a good dad, I”m not a good husband” and “I’m going to clear my schedule. Right?” and me saying NO.... He’s missing the point.... he’s choosing to make those plans as opposed to plans with me or the ability to have more time with me .....

We were a great long-distance relationship because it was easy to find time for a phone conversation with someone we wanted to talk to.... I feel like it’s more and more obvious that he doesn’t really want anything to do with me.... well aside from the obvious. I’m ready to go back to not feeling my emotions. I’m sure it won’t be long till I have to break up with him for my own sanity.... but then I’ll get to feel guilty for everything after that....

Like “I can’t find an apartment.” or “I’m worthless.” Someone else can not be responsible for your happiness. You have to choose that for yourself.

Time to move on with my day.... I’ve got shit to do…