White Flag in Things That I'm Grateful For

In a very technical way, I’m in my first relationship since that awful debacle with Jonah which everyone told me later was an abusive relationship. Not physically, other types of abuse, and I suppose that’s why I didn’t read it that way. It took me a long time to realize that some of the things my mother did would constitute abuse, because unless it involved a black eye or shaken baby syndrome (which by the way, that woman was my babysitter at one point, so I wouldn’t rule that out), we ignored it in the 1980s.

His name is Limp. He’s this tiny little Thai guy. He’s a music teacher, he’s 25 and is very ADHD, which you would think would be annoying for me considering how OCD I am, but that’s the thing…

Intellectually, there are all these things that I know don’t make sense. Things that aren’t necessarily red flags, but just things that I’m not really looking for. Not turn offs, just little obnoxious habits.

But then I’m with him, and it’s fine.

I’m trying to figure out if it’s just readjusting to having become accustomed to loneliness, well being alone, lonely only happens sometimes. Going places and doing things with someone else is a totally new experience. I know what you’re thinking, “Justin, that’s what friends are for.” But even my friends annoy me. I am so easily irritated that I don’t even go places with friends.

But it’s not that way with him. There have even been times where I have been in a really awful mood, but when he comes around, suddenly I’m in a good mood. That never happens. Usually it takes a lot of mental effort on my part for me to shake off a bad mood. But all he has to do is say something incredibly dumb, do that silly giggle he does, and suddenly, I’m smiling. That’s a green flag for me.

I replaced my Huawei after 5 long years with it, and I went back to iPhone. The thing about it is, my whole history is back at my fingertips. I’ve had Apple products since 2002 and all those photos are collected, stored and back within reach. For the last five years, if I wanted to see something during that period, I had to really dig for it. Now my phone will randomly show me a picture of Edgar and I together.

I used to show people that picture and say, “I’ve never looked happier than I do in this picture.” And I just mean that to say my smile is big and real, most of my smiles in photos are approximations of what my smile looks like. I’m always trying to imitate my smiles with Edgar.

I took Limp to the goth bar and we were laughing the whole time. We took some pictures, and my smile is almost as big as it was with Edgar. So I think I’m going to surrender and let this go where it goes.