back to work in Each Day

Well, this seems to be a pattern. When I am actively trying to give my brain some distance from work I can’t write.
On Thursday I went to the gym, then I went to talk to the PA. She was nice, good energy, but TOO MANY FUCKING SUGGESTIONS. Clearly she’s a fixer and not a listener. Everything from diet to hobbies to medications despite repeatedly telling me she’s out of her depth since I’ve already been working with a psychiatrist.
The appointment was at 10. I thought, no problem I’ll be done in time to meet M for lunch at 11, and then I can grab some groceries on the way home and fucking relax.
I talked with her until 1120. Fortunately M left for lunch late, so we still got to sit and eat together at the beach (close to work, so it gets us out of there for a while).
While we were eating I happened to look at my medical note and realized that she put “return to work with limitations” instead of “excused”, so I spent SEVERAL hours that afternoon trying to get that sorted out.
I wasn’t home until after 1pm, and M was home by 2, since he was at a social thing at work and they let everyone go early. I was going to write about this Thursday evening, but was like, I really don’t want to think about this. I’m sure I’d have a lot more to say a week and a half ago, but does it matter? I don’t think so.

Friday M went to work, and I went shopping for Cosmos, we needed the kitten food he was fed by the breeder, the kitten food we like, and a new bed big enough for them to cozy up together. Then I played video games and waited for M to get home. Friday evening I got too high and ended up in an existential crisis because of the movie we watched.
Hear me out, Brothers is a mind blowing fucking movie. The way it’s written, it’s incredible blend of comedy, tragedy, horror (not in the gore or jump scare sense, but like, Adult Nightmare type horror), the acting was FANTASTIC. But holy shit it ate into my brain and I spent most of the rest of the evening trying to convince myself that everything wasn’t falling apart, I wasn’t living a miserable existence, and M wasn’t coercing me into anything I didn’t want to do.
Oh, and right around this time we realized there was a pipe leaking. M rigged something up to catch the drip and we turned off the water at the filters when we weren’t actively using it, so we knew we could get through the weekend and avoid emergency plumber bullshit. It doesn’t matter, but the situation didn’t get resolved until Wednesday night and by that point M and I were both FED UP and just wanted our space back.
Back to being too high Friday night: The sex got really weird. My mouth was so dry but M didn’t notice, but I kept having to stop, and every time I stopped my brain tried to tell me that this isn’t what I wanted and M not encouraging me to stop was proof that he was a shitty guy. My rational brain reminded my bullshit brain that I ENJOY THIS, and bullshit brain was like, “oh yeah? If you like it so much why do you have to convince yourself that you want to keep going?” STFUUUUUUUP. M said later he could tell something was wrong, but was afraid of drawing attention to it, assuming that I’d stop if I wanted to BECAUSE WE’RE BOTH CONSENTING ADULTS, BRAIN. The interesting thing about being altered is being able to recognize the incorrect thoughts, and knowing/remembering who you are/what you want even when your brain is lying to you.
At some point my brain managed to chill the fuck out and we salvaged the night in a nice, connected way.

Saturday morning we got up and as soon as we could, hit the road to pick Cosmos up. We left just before 9 am and we got home just after 5pm. It was a hell of a drive to do in one shot, and we were both grateful to be home.
All the precautions we took with Valentino and Jinx weren’t going to work since Jinx was aloof and Valentino is very nosey and involved. We spent 5+ days in a room with Valentino and Jinx just hung out and waited for shit to happen.

We walked in with Cosmos, and immediately introduced them. This is the OPPOSITE of how it’s supposed to be done. Valentino hissed a lot, Cosmos could not have given a fuck. It was so wild to watch this tiny kitten free-ranging, exploring his new place, totally ignoring the hissing shadow following him around. It took 25 hours for Valentino to chill the fuck out. A week later and they’re laying together, playing, chasing. It’s wonderful.

Cosmos is PERFECTION.
He already has two nicknames, Brown Beans (his beans are brown!!) and Little Lion. He has the highest tiniest squeakiest voice, and Valentino is even more vocal, which has counter intuitively been really nice. We were so low after losing Jinx that we didn’t notice the absence of the sounds of them playing. Hearing it again has been heart-filling.

This last week has been amazing. M brought the king bed into the living room, and we hung out the 4 of us on the bed. We were trying to discourage the use of the stairs at least for a bit, but it became obvious in a day or two that he was already adept at climbing stairs, and we padded them in case he wasn’t smart enough to not chuck himself down the stairs. Which he did once, somehow simultaneously sliding on his belly yet still having four feet hit the stair tread before continuing to slide down the next one on his belly. It was horrifying, but he caught himself after 3 or 4 stairs, and then bounded down the rest of the way and scampered off like he had somewhere to be.

We also had this thing happen where we repeatedly called Valentino Jinx. And even started using some of Jinx’s nicknames (Big Man is the one that keeps coming up for me). Now Valentino is the big black adult, and it’s hard not to see Jinx’s influence on Valentino as a new Uncle Buck type figure.
And Cosmos is waaaaayyyyy more aloof than we expected. He absolutely falls asleep on or with us, but we literally carried Valentino around in our hoods (worn backwards so he slept on our chest) FOR MONTHS. M or I will be like “Where’s the kitten?” And he’ll be in an empty room passed out on the floor, totally content. He’s very fluffy. His curly Rex coat is luscious. M says Valentino “feels like a seal” in comparison. Valentino, until Cosmos arrived, was “the Kitten”, and despite his girth he was always Valentiny in my mind. Now he’s a big solid boy, and the new kitten is the delicate little creature. It’s wild how your brain can’t help but make comparisons. We’re very happy that they’re so different in temperament and looks, it makes things more interesting.

I am absolutely heartbroken for the myriad marginalized communities, since American voters just reinforced the fact that they don’t give a shit about other people. But I can’t even start to think about it because as soon as I do the hopelessness creeps in, then the intrusive thoughts come, and then I’m thinking about not existing again.

If Canada follows down this road, I honestly don’t think I will survive. My will to live is already threadbare. Why the fuck do I want to exist in a world where there is so much fear and hate and wilful ignorance and desire to control people who’s lives look different than theirs.

Both my and M’s bosses have given speeches about impending war and… I can’t. I mean, I’m not fit enough mentally to do weapons training, there’s no way in hell I belong in theatre. I’m not even capably doing my job right now, and it’s NOT a hard one. I need TF out of this uniform… I don’t think I can ignore it any more. But the idea of job hunting is still actively torture to me.

Today was Remembrance Day. I don’t want to not acknowledge the day, but it was very uncomfortable for me, what with the crap in my head. I attended a ceremony, but M and I mostly observe the day by doing our remembering away from the establishment. The people we’ve lost deserve better than an hour of store named wreaths being laid while serving members have to be on parade the whole time. It’s fucking torture. As usual, I have opinions. I don’t have a better solution, because I don’t think that not doing the ceremonies is legit, either.
I had a funny thought of civilians volunteering to be on parade, and then they get a tiny taste of the bullshit we deal with, drill practice, standing at attention until your arms go numb, passing out because of the heat, or losing feeling in your hands and feet because of the cold. The yelling. OMG it was actually hilarious this morning. There was a Navy Chief doing the coordinating, and at one point he yelled to get a room of over 100 people to shut up. Most of us were Air Force or civilian, and you could feel the room get offended. The energy was like, dude, chill. Despite having to give us further direction, he didn’t resort to yelling again.

Now how do we foster this kind of energy in an entire country?