lick your brain in Each Day

Hyperfixating on people is awful. I honestly don’t know how to tell a crush from a hyperfixation, until it wears off. I’ve maintained crushes for decades, but a hyperfocus on a person dissolves spontaneously. The problem is the interim, when hyperfixation feels like a crush, and the impulsivity can ruin everything if given the right opportunity.
I’m saying this because I spent the last two days (on a course) with one of M’s coworkers, and his emotional intelligence and kindness really caught my attention. And I guarantee it wouldn’t have come to this if he didn’t start talking to me about music. I don’t even know why he thought to approach me about it, but asked if I listened to Phoebe Bridgers, which I do not, and he suggested I should. He referred to as “sad girl indie”, which isn’t a descriptor that I’d normally pursue. I don’t remember how we got from Phoebe Bridgers to Taylor Swift but he was so excited that I love Taylor Swift, he told me he has a present for me, his wife made a shit ton of friendship bracelets when she went to see the Eras Tour last year, and he wanted to give me one.

Ugh I’m exhausted just writing about this. Anyway, we’ve been talking music. He talked to M about the course that I ran, and told M I did a good job, which M told me. I think the course went pretty well. There were some rough spots. Ripping the laptop off the desk on three separate occasions was mortifying, because the IT idiots set it up so the CAT6 cable extends across the walkway at the front of the room, and I kept forgetting to step over it despite standing right beside it most of the day. Totally avoidable with a longer HDMI and CAT 6 cable.

I guess I didn’t mention that at my last Dr appointment, in the throes of serious intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation, my Dr suggested I take a low dose of an anti-psychotic that is often combined with the RI type antidepressants to boost their efficacy. And holy shit. A few weeks on it and I’m not sure I’ve had an intrusive thought at all. I don’t feel persistently hopeless unless I think about the world. I seem to cry a lot more easily, and the usual feelings of intense overwhelm that I used to think was me stifling tears until I started trying to follow through the intensity instead of shutting it down, more often results in crying.
So it’s weird, but it’s nicer in my head.

Also I started seeing a physiotherapist for my neck, which persistently bothers me lately. I mean, it’s bothered me my whole life but lately it’s getting to be a lot. I brought up the head tilt I so often catch myself doing, and mentioned that my vision changes when I straighten my head, he recommended I talk to the doc about that because it’s unrelated, and so I’m going to ask to see the Neural Opthamologist to talk about Binocular Vision Disorder (BVD). I’ve been wanting to have this conversation for almost 2 years, but I had a bunch of steps before I could get there (like the eye test I took last March, resulting in full time glasses wearing).

Both M and I are counting the days until we are on holiday. I already started buying Christmas foods, namely, the candy cane ice cream I love, and egg nog.

OH!
Yesterday was ridiculous. I was VERY SPENDY, and so after crafting we all wandered Ikea and looked at stuff. They have these Ikea hoodies, and when I saw them months ago I was like “I’d 100% wear one of these”, but I never bought one because I don’t need to be a billboard for them. But something about yesterday I was really considering it. There was no black in my size, the green was a little TOO GREEN, and the white, well, I’m not much for white. But then Mandy suggested I tye dye it, and now we’re having an Ikea Hoodie Tye Dye Party And Brunch at my house on Sunday. We are ridiculous, yes. But I am SO FUCKING EXCITED. Also, Sunday is Pansexual Pride Day, and I’m 100% planning on making a heart tye dye, the heart will be pan colours, and outside the heart will be rainbow :D I’m stoked. This hoodie is going to be as loud as my hair hahah

Fuck it. I’m tired. I’m going to bed.