Funeral plans sorted in Vulnerability

The funeral is this Saturday.  

Monday was a tough day, as expected.  We went to the meeting at the funeral home and it probably took an hour and a half or so.  Just a lot of paperwork when someone dies.  Mum held it together okay.  We were worried when we walked into the coffin room to pick one out, but she was alright.  We've gone with the cheapest one that doesn't look like shit.  Dad wouldn't have wanted us to waste money on one of the fancy ones.  There was even an 'eco' one in there that I suppose most of the hippies would go for.  It's going to have a floral arrangement on top (even though dad hated flowers, mum said too bad), and of course some wheat as well (appropriate for a farmer).

Choosing a date for the funeral was the toughest decision, as everyone needed to line up with their availability - funeral home, the pastor, us lol.  Of course, the funeral home had openings on my birthday.  Of course they fucking did ^rolls eyes^, but thankfully that date wasn't chosen.  I told my sister afterward that if it was next Wednesday, I'd more than likely go home and drink to forget, "And I hardly drink!"  But anyway, it turns out this Saturday they had a full day of availabilities.  No-one wants to book the Saturdays it seems, because it is more expensive, as they have to pay everyone overtime.  Thankfully that didn't matter to mum, and the funeral director rang our pastor and got his availability, and it was all sorted!  Phew!  It did mean a bit of a rush to get everything they needed in time though (photos etc), which they wanted by the Wednesday - so two days.  Afterward, we went across the road to find where dad's plot was in the Garden Of Rememberance.  It took quite a while to find, even with a map, and even a worker there wouldn't find it when my older brother asked him.  I ended up finding it eventually.  So at least we know where dad will be buried now, not far from one of the big trees.  It is meant to be raining on Saturday, because, of course it is.  Dad would love the rain anyway.

Afterward, we went to my sister's house (which isn't far from there) and started sorting through the photos we'd sent her in the days prior.  It's crazy how much we've fit in to a few days, as it literally feels like weeks, but no, dad only passed five days ago as I write this.  But mum thought this Saturday was too soon for the funeral and that next Saturday was too late, and with my birthday being right in the middle of those two, that would've been perfect.  Fuck that.  I wasn't having it.

I've been back at home for a few days, thankfully not at work, as I'm on bereavement leave.  I went to the doctor yesterday and got my blood test results.  He's amazed at how good they are, so that's a relief!  He said all my levels are good, my prostate is good, my liver and my kidneys are good.  It was good to hear about the kidneys, because I had one of those "wellness" doctors tell me many years ago that one of them was failing, and I was so confused.  Like, wtf?  How would he have even known that?  I told my doctor that my dad had just passed, and he was very apologetic.  I updated him on the info I had from mum about her parents having had heart problems and dad's side having cancer issues, and that us kids have a double-whammy from both sides of the family lol.  So to get a clear blood test is a relief.  I just have the damn cyst and torn meniscus in my left knee and my fucked-up anxiety to deal with.  Thankfully a new audiobook I've been listening to has been quite good so far.

It's been good to be back home to go to the gym, more than anything really, because I can't do that at my mum's house.  I was suppose to go back to mum's today, but my brother and I have decided to go tomorrow instead, the day before the funeral.  It's too much.  The less time there the better.  I need a sense or normality after weeks of supporting my mum in the middle of nowhere.  I can't believe I grew up out that way.  

I had to edit some of the euology, because I found a part of it offensive.  I do not need my dad insulting me in death as much as he did in life.  I told my sister flat out I wanted it removed, and she told me to edit it, since it was a teams document.  Anyway, I added a little bit, but not much.  I really would like to surprise everyone and add how much of an asshole my father was toward me after coming out during my part of the speech, but my mother would kill me lol.  So I'll be cordial.  A lot of people there know what he did anyway, since he decided to post about it all over facebook, as did I with the screenshots at the time, to name and shame him.  But anyway, I'll try and control my anger in way of the sadness and happy memories of the day.  Because it is shit that he's gone to the grave with those fucked-up views, but I knew that was never going to change.  I remember telling myself I wouldn't even go to his funeral.  Things were that heated. 

We'll be taking turns reading the euology, in order of eldest child to youngest, which means I'll be third.  I don't know how I will go.  All my siblings seem to be good at public speaking.  I am not.  And I have a feeling dad's funeral will be pretty popular.  He was part of so many organisations and groups and the church.  It's a shame one of his brothers can't be there, as he is flat on his back in hospital, but he will be watching on the live-stream.

I'll likely need to stay with my mother until at least Monday or Tuesday.  I'm taking off work until then, whether work likes it or not.  My little brother arrived there last night, so she'll hopefully be distracted with the grandkids.  The grandkids and great-grandkids will all go up and place something that meant something to dad on top of the coffin.  I was thinking of going to Bunnings and seeing if they sell some cheap rain-gauges or something.